TV’s big night canned


The cancellation of this year’s Logie Awards for excellence in Australian television has been welcomed by a key figure in the event.

Logie Statuette (main picture), whose miniature image is handed to award winners, said he was “over the moon” after hearing news that the live awards ceremony due to be staged on the Gold Coast in June had been scrapped because of the covid-19 virus crisis.

“It’s about fucking time,” a clearly tired and emotional Mr Statuette told a news conference in Melbourne this morning. “If I could bend my knees I’d get down on them and thank the coronavirus for doing something positive for our nation.

“It’s just a pity they didn’t go the whole hog and abandon the substitute limited televised ceremony they have planned without a live audience.

“The Logies were meant to celebrate excellence, but have you seen any of that lately in our local TV industry?

“Honestly, for years now I’ve been ashamed to be the face of the Logies and have my name associated with what has degenerated into a showcase for expensive evening gowns and cleavage supplemented by some tin pot awards that ‘celebrate’ the stinking swamp of mediocrity that passes for Australia’s television industry,” he belched.

“Why do we even bother when TV itself is a dying medium? People now view anything they like from just about anywhere in the world on their mobile devices or ‘smart’ TVs.

“There’s certainly nothing smart about our TV industry,” he said before pausing to break wind with an accompanying gold-flecked spray.

“Just check out the big shows on the three commercial networks. Network Nine has that bogan-fest Married at First Sight built around low IQ narcissists pelting abuse at each other. Very fucking uplifting that is, isn’t it?

“Seven is right now filming Big Brother in a house in Sydney. For Christ’s sake, how original is that? It went stale very soon after its first run around the block two decades ago on Network 10.

“Speaking of The Block, Nine still flogs that dead horse with good old Scotty Cam obviously busy fronting that tired old format instead of earning the mountain of dosh taxpayers have shovelled at him to promote trade training.

“Network 10 has really pushed the envelope with its Australian Survivor series built, of course, around an overseas concept we first saw on our screens in 1997,” Mr Statuette said, becoming visibly unsteady on his feet.

“Heaven forbid if we actually thought up something original. Speaking of which, Seven and Ten still persist with My Kitchen Rules and Master Chef – both copycats of overseas shows – long after they’ve failed to serve up anything new and exciting for viewers.

“These are the flagships of commercial TV in our nation? Really?

“Thank goodness we still have the ABC and SBS where we can still see some original and challenging programs.

“It’s a pity those two never win many Logies, which just goes to show what an outright heap of steaming bubbling shit the awards really are,” Mr Statuette said before calling an end to the news conference and refusing to take questions.