SAVING THE WORLD:
Medical experts in the United Kingdom believe they have found ways to control, if not eradicate, coronavirus and the world has two very-public British men to thank for the breakthrough.
Royal doctors who have been treating the heir to the throne, Prince Charles, since His Royal Highness fell victim to covid-19, have been amazed at to how well the 71-year-old handled the disease – his symptoms were very, very mild – and how quickly it has disappeared completely from his system.
The doctors now believe that anyone who can maintain a constant 0.23 per cent blood alcohol level on any given 24-hour cycle can also defeat the virus just as easily as the Prince of Wales has.
A series of physical activity tests has given the Prince of Wales a clean bill of health.
Doctors report that he is now able to do all the things he needs to do to fulfil his responsibilities – engage in meaningless small talk, point at things, and adjust his tie.
Similarly, top-shelf NHS doctors taking care of British Prime Minister Boris Johnson now believe his relatively mild symptoms are now directly linked to his very low IQ.
“We don’t know yet what the causal link is but really stupid people seem to be able to shake off covid-19 in a jiffy,” one attendant respiratory expert said on the condition of anonymity.
The Bug‘s in-house medical expert Doctor Pratt (pictured) explains: “Of course no-one can afford the very expensive single malts and gins and the top-shelf wines that Prince Charles enjoys but I’d recommend the consumption of a goon of Golden Estates Lambrusco a day should do the trick.
“It’s all rather obvious when you think about it. The most vulnerable group with coronavirus is the over 70s – and why?
“Because they are more or less sober. For health or wealth reasons, they are well past those times when they really gave it a nudge.
“Get them all back on the piss and we’re going to go a long way to eradicating this bugger.
And The Bug’s political guru Rufus Badinage says the good news that really stupid people can shake of the disease at the very least means ongoing stable political leadership at the top of Britain, the United States, Australia and a number of other countries.
“I hold grave concerns for Jacinda Ardern’s health though,” he said.