World exclusive: how One avoided virus


aroyal corres dinkusQueen Elizabeth and Prince Philip anointed only one media outlet and appointed only one respected royal court reporter to explain to the world how they managed to escape the coronavirus that has now afflicted their number-one son and heir Prince Charles.The Bug‘s Tristan Coyte-Rimmer takes up the amazing story.

Her Majesty’s voice was clearly recognisable: “One hopes you weren’t kept on hold too long, Mr Coyte-Rimmer?”

“The hours went quickly, your Majesty.”

The Queen of Australian got quickly to the point. “The red tops over here have been absolutely horrid to One,” she graciously explained.

“They’ve written terrible stories that the only reason One and One’s consort have not caught this disease is because One and One’s other, lesser half, have never been all that close to the Prince of Wales. Well, One wants to put the record straight.”

I waited respectfully as the Queen collected her thoughts and prepared her next comment.

“One distinctly remembers One giving Charles an almighty hug back in 1954 when One returned from visiting that dreadfully hot Orstralia with all those flies and its very strange citizens.”

It was then that I realised Prince Philip was on the extension.

“No, Cabbage,” he interrupted, “It was earlier than that –  1951 as I recall. And, anyway, it was more like a quick peck on his cheek, from memory.

“We had visited some slant-eyes or smelly darkies somewhere, remember? And we had sailed back to Liverpool on that squalid, rat-infested Empress of Scotland.,

“I got a dreadful cold having the share that rust-bucket with the hoi poloi, remember, and it make me more irritable and testy than normal.

“That trip was the one that made us determined to have built our own royal yacht Britannia. She was launched the year we had to put up with those uncouth Aussies for far too bloody long.

“Dumbo was waiting on the platform in London when we got the train back south.”

Her Majesty responded: “One really does wish you’d stop calling him Dumbo. He can’t help his physical characteristics. Besides, One’s positive you’ve got it the wrong way around!”

But His Royal Highness stood firm. “I’m sorry, you silly Windsor sausage but I think you’re wrong.”

“One is never wrong, Philip,” Her Majesty said. “One does long for the days of old when One could lop off a spouse’s head for insubordination.”

I must say I admired Price Philip’s spunk.

“You definitely gave Charles just a quick peck on the cheek and then quite rightly turned away to wave at the silly, fawning crowds.

“It was definitely 1951 because your gin-soaked old crone of a mother had brought Charles to the station.”

“Philip! Please!”

But the Duke persisted. “I remember I was surprised to see the little bastard there and I got quite carried away myself and patted him briefly on the head before ignoring him completely,” he said, with what sounded like real remorse.

“I think that’s the last time I ever touched Dumbo come to think of it. Strange, stupid little boy then. Sadly nothing much has changed all these decades later.

“It’s why I’ve always made Dumbo stand to attention at the doorway whenever he’s wanted to see me for any of his silly, stupid, sooky reasons.”

Her Majesty quickly ended the conversation and hung up but not before I heard her say: “Philip, please! Isn’t it bad enough that One’s being forced to talk to a lowly commoner here?”