Leaders split on test results


A trans-Tasman split has developed over the release of coronavirus test results by the leaders of Australia and New Zealand.

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern today released the results of her coronavirus test in a bid to calm any public speculation about her health.

But Australia’s PM, Scott Morrison, said he would not be publishing the results of a coronavirus test he took earlier this week as a precaution after speaking on the phone with Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton.

When releasing her test results, Ms Ardern said it was important for New Zealanders to know their nation’s leader was fit and healthy and could perform the duties needed to fight the current pandemic and manage its social and economic impacts.

A spokesperson for NZ’s Chief Medical Officer said the PM’s results included the outcomes of a stool sample which showed Ms Ardern’s faeces to have a soft, almost fluffy yet silky smooth consistency and were also of a subdued pastel colour approaching lavender (main picture).

“In addition, and as we expected, the PM’s faeces are completely odourless,” the spokesperson said.

“In fact when I saw the sample I had an almost irresistible urge to eat it, or at least touch it. But that’s obviously a no-no right now.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Mr Morrison said the Australian PM had also passed a coronavirus test although his results would not be released to the public.

“The test results are framed in very, very technical terms so we won’t be releasing them,” he said.

However, under intense questioning the spokesperson did reveal the test had been performed by a Perth-based practitioner identified only as “a Ms M Court” at a special facility he referred to as the “VLF clinic” with the PM being given a viral-resistance rating of “PBTBOJ”.

When asked if the abbreviated references were meant to suggest former tennis great Margaret Court from the Pentecostal church, Victory Life Centre, had advised Mr Morrison was “protected by the blood of Jesus”, the spokesperson said he had many other calls to answer and hung up.