New virus rules leave group badly shaken

anews in brief dinkus

SYDNEY: Restrictions to prevent the latest panic buying spree sparked by the coronavirus pandemic have been slammed by one of the nation’s largest consumer groups.

The respected AAA [Tipple A] has come out strongly against new item limits that its members “will find it impossible to comply with”.

Australasian Alcoholics Association national secretary Jess Maxsip said he couldn’t think of one of his members who could restrain themselves to a new daily bottle-shop limit of three bottles of wine, a slab of beer, and one bottle of spirits.

“Many of our members go through a full bottle of Bundy rum and that’s just instead of milk on their morning cereal,” Mr Maxsip slurred.

“Most of our members enjoy at least a slab of the mean soup watching footie on the TV in the arvo so you can imagine how much they’ll drink being depressed because there’s nothing to watch.

“And three bottles of wine, for goodness sake. Surely anyone’s entitled to a reasonable pre-evening meal sip after a long day.”

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MELBOURNE: The forced closure of gyms around the nation may not have the dramatic adverse effects as at first feared.

Industry sources say specifically designed algorithms have shown that while about 89 per cent of all gyms will probably never reopen, roughly that number would have gone bankrupt and permanently closed their doors over the next few months anyway even if the virus hadn’t eventuated.

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CANBERRA: Education experts here have provided the answer as to why Prime Minister Scott Morrison has fought so hard to keep schools open as the coronvirus situation worsens.

The experts claim that if Australian kids lose most of this year’s schooling, by year’s end they’ll be roughly four years behind comparable students in Europe and lag a good six years behind similar aged pupils across Asian countries.