Kohler’s frank assessment

VIRUS DINKUSThe share prices of Australian toilet paper manufacturers are “in the toilet”, according to the ABC’s financial analyst Alan Kohler.

In an uncharacteristically scatological report aired on ABC TV News last night, Kohler gave an unvarnished assessment of the impact of panic buying on the nation’s major toilet paper makers and wholesalers.

“Basically the panic buying we’ve seen lately means toilet paper manufacturers are in deep shit. Fucked, actually,” Kohler said.

“All those stupid, stupid bogans who denuded supermarket shelves of shit paper don’t know the damage they’ve done.

“We’re yet to see the full impact but basically the share prices of listed firms like Kimberley-Clark Australia which makes Kleenex products and ABC Tissue – no relation – that makes Quilton toilet paper have turned to shit.

“The panic started in supermarkets because a mob of brain-dead morons who listen to other idiots on social media were led to believe they wouldn’t be able to wipe their fat, smelly, oozing arses.

“Any sensible person knows that’s just crap. Literally. Besides, it’s not as if you can’t use something other than dunny paper. Use the lounge room curtains if you have to. For fuck’s sake.

“Yet still these stupid turds shat themselves and rushed to Woolies and Coles to load up on toilet paper they won’t use for possibly years to come.

“The truth is if everyone bought the normal quantities as and when they needed them, then these big companies wouldn’t be facing the extra costs of stepping up production, and they wouldn’t be facing the prospect of constipated sales in coming months or years as shithead bogans realise they’ve got enough dunny rolls in their cupboards to last until the Alice Springs Olympics or their arseholes heal over.

“It gives me the squirts. And I mean that quite literally. Here, have a look,” Kohler told viewers before his report was apparently cut short just as he began to undo his trouser belt.

An ABC spokesperson said the corporation had received several complaints about Kohler’s report but would not be taking any disciplinary action because of the current enforcement of social distancing introduced in light of the coronavuris crisis.