CANBERRA: The good news is that pensioners, Newstart and other welfare recipients are all going to get $750 cash soon as part of the government’s measures to try to prevent the nation slipping into recession.
The bad news is that because the Morrison government is awake to the sorts of people those welfare recipients are, how the $750 is spent will be carefully monitored.
The Bug can reveal exclusively that the key word is “cash” and those eligible for the cash handout will have to go to a Centrelink office in person and queue up forever to get the money – special currency now being printed by the Australian mint.
The notes will have a special code in them, making it impossible to feed them into poker machines. They will be also be clearly marked with the logo of the Liberal Party responsible for the largesse, so that any liquor outlet or cigarette counter staff who accept them will face a mandatory jail term, as will anyone anywhere who exchanges the notes for normal currency now in circulation.
“It’s a crying shame that the government has to resort to these measures because of the selfish nature of a small majority of Australians,” a spokesperson for Prime Minister Scott Morrison told The Bug.
“But the PM knows as well as anyone on the conservative side of politics that scarce government funds simply cannot afford to be frittered away by welfare bludgers always on the lookout to rip the system off.
“He’s awake to the laissez-faire attitude too many Australians take to doing the right and patriotic thing.”