Relief plan takes off

Current panic buying of toilet paper across the nation has prompted The Bug’s financial and investment adviser MORRIE BEZZLE to come up with one of his trademark unique ideas for tackling the problem.

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Dear Morrie

This isn’t in the realm of financial advice, but you’re the only one I know who might be able to help.

You see yesterday I went to my local supermarket wanting to buy toilet paper and there wasn’t a single roll on the shelves. It had all been snapped up by people panic-buying in the face of the current Corona or Covid19 virus scare that’s sweeping the globe.

Now I always apply the “just in time” approach to buying essential household items. I rarely have a stockpile of any items in my pantry including toilet paper. I tend to buy it when it’s needed, and believe me after enjoying a big meal with friends at a local curry house at the weekend, I need toilet paper rather urgently.

My last roll ran out this morning and I’ve even tried undoing the cardboard cylinder and using that, but gave up because, well…. I guess you can guess why.

Please, Morrie, what can be done? I’m in urgent, very urgent need for your advice.

Di Arrear
Gold Coast

 

Dear Di Arrear

The old Morrie has been watching with both interest and concern at the vision of panic buyers denuding supermarket shelves of toilet paper in recent days.

On the one hand I can understand people wanting to make sure they have sufficient supplies of the stuff, but on the other hand I’m at a loss as to why these people think the Covid19 virus will give them the runs.

I know for mine that the wall-to-wall news about the virus is giving me the shits. Pardon my French. But the virus itself doesn’t have that effect at all as far as I’m aware.

None of the eggheads you see on TV are saying we should start stockpiling loo paper so it’s a mystery to me why this is happening.

The fact is none of those hoarding loo paper is carrying the virus as far as I can tell.

Nevertheless it is happening and you have a right to be worried. You’ve also come to the right place for advice because I’ve been ponder this problem for a day or two and have come up with a solution.

My plan is to buy in bulk supplies of toilet paper from overseas markets as yet untouched by panic buying.

I can’t divulge details for fear of sparking that very same phenomenon in those places.

Once the toilet paper lands on our shores I plan to load it all into some RAAF Hercules aircraft I’ll hire and fly over major Australian cities dropping supplies to Australians like you who are holding in what should be let out.

My Operation TP Airlift, as I’ve dubbed the project, will bring happiness and contentment to a nation that’s currently far from the relaxed and comfortable nation that past leaders like little Johnny Howard envisaged.

Now my plan to bring relief to households right across our wide brown land will take a fair bit of dosh to get off the ground. Literally.

So I’m asking people like you wanting to ease the anxiety of their fellow Aussies to kick in a few quid to help get my plan under way.

If you want to help, just send a donation — one or two Ks at the bare minimum — to my new fund and I’ll get things moving at my end so you and other otherwise healthy Aussies can get things moving at yours.

Send a cheque to me via The Bug and make it out to Covid19-free Australians Shitting Happily.

Bugger it, to save your time and mine, just make it out to CASH.

I’ll be in touch.

Morrie

Morrie Bezzle is chair of sanitary paper products consultants R Swipe & Associates, general manager of Saw Bent Tool Repairs Pty Ltd, and senior counsel with Clean Ex Divorce Lawyers.