The autumn of our malcontent

astars dinkusWell, Scott Morrison’s Black Summer is now officially over and we ask the big question: what lies ahead now the smoky haze has lifted and won’t return until the next fire season in four or five months time?

The Bug’s fame soothsayer Kisma Ayrias once again apologises for missing his usual stars at the start of February but has only just been released from quarantine on Christmas Island following a visit to China to buy new crystal balls.

Here’s Kisma’s predictions for the month ahead and he hopes they will dispel any autumn of discontent you may be feeling.

February 19 – March 20

After watching a live news feed of the New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern in action at a news conference next to our own Scott Morrison you nod off musing about the day Australia has a Labor Party leader of her ilk, but wake in fright when your dreams turn to how that might work out.

March 21 – April 19

You wonder why the RSPCA didn’t step in when Jacinda Ardern was giving Scott Morrison an absolute verbal thrashing at that media conference in Sydney.

April 20 – May 20

Like countless other Australians, you are bitterly disappointed to hear that Clive Palmer has been charged with only four criminal offences.

May 21 – June 20

You hear on the radio the World Health Organisation issuing a grovelling apology for not recognising the coronavirus as a world pandemic as quickly as Doctor Professor Sir Scott Morrison did.

June 21 – July 22

You dream that you receive a dollar every time you hear the word “epicentre” in news bulletins and retire a millionaire.

July 23 – August 22

Your local tennis club decides to adopt new tactics after being repeatedly rejected for federal sports grants and changes its name to Marginal Coalition Seat Racquet Club.

August 23 – September 22

Unfortunately your club still doesn’t receive any grants, but the cheques start arriving after your local Coalition MP advises you should change its name again to Marginal Coalition Seat Racket Club.

September 23 – October 22

The release of more damaging information about sports grants and other rorts has you expecting a media conference any time soon from PM Morrison urging all his fellow Australians to be vigilant in protecting themselves against the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918/1919.

October 23 – November 21

You are annoyed to hear Gerard Henderson will no longer grace the couch on ABC’s Sunday morning chat show Insiders because whenever he was one of the three panellists you knew you had time to pop out to the kitchen and make another cuppa during his longer pauses.

November 22 – December 21

Hearing fresh rumours that Barnaby Joyce might be weighing up the options of a second Nationals leadership tilt, you mentally tick off all the obvious and outstanding talents Joyce possesses and wonder if the nation right now needs more than a loudmouthed, mad rooting, florid-faced, possibly mentally deranged, pisspot, ex-accountant, pseudo farmer, far-right-wing-nut-job to help steer it through its multiple crises.

December 22 – January 19

Even though you are devoutly religious and lead a very simple life devoted to work and quiet worship, you decide to team up with an old friend whom you know to be a nymphomaniac to form a comedy act called Amish and Randy and you take this year’s Melbourne Comedy Festival by storm.

January 20 – February 18

As your Amish and Randy act blossoms and requests for highly paid appearances flood in from around the world, you are sued by Australian due Hamish and Andy who claim you and your sex-crazed friend are trading off their names and reputation. But the case is thrown out of court in record time when the judge takes just seconds to find a very substantial difference between the two acts — yours is funny.