The penis of Barnaby Joyce has taken full responsibility for the “impossible position” in which it has placed the former deputy prime minister and National Party leader during the current “sports rorts” scandal.
Mr Joyce’s penis (main picture) in a hastily arranged media call outside Tamworth this morning said it acknowledged that if not for its previous behaviour Mr Joyce may well have been able to make a comeback by capitalising on the political troubles of former sports minister, National Party deputy leader Senator Bridget McKenzie.
“Don’t think I haven’t spent a lot of time in recent days pondering what might have been,” Mr Joyce’s penis said. “I’ll freely admit I’ve been a total cockup.
“I really regret the trouble I got Barnaby into previously when he was forced to leave the leadership and the position of Deputy Prime Minister.
“But in recent days I’ve had to revisit all of that plus carry the burden of knowing that given the destabilisation that the sports rorts has inflicted on the Morrison government and the Nationals, Barnaby might have had a chance of reclaiming the party’s deputy leadership or even the top job.
“I keep my eye and ears open and I know there’s been lots of talk in recent days of how badly the government, including current National Party leader and deputy PM Malcolm… no, Michael….. Michael… — oh, you know who I mean — how badly he’s been handling the pork barrelling revelations.
“There’s a chance the whole scandal could take down Bridget as well as Malcolm… I mean Michael…..Michael…..Michael Whatsisname.
“If not for me Barnaby might right now be getting ready to assume a leadership role once again and might even by now have been reinstalled as party leader and deputy PM.
“I know he’s cash-strapped at the moment and I’m dreadfully sorry I’ve made it so hard for him for so long now. I really am trying to change.
“I’ve put him in an impossible position and I think about it every second of every day, from when I get up first thing in the morning to when I finally put my head down at night,” Mr Joyce’s penis said.