Lord Downer welcomes audit

SPORTS RORTS REPORT:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has declared his daughter “completely exonerated” in the controversy over the allocation of sports grants in the lead-up to the May 2019 federal election.

At a hastily called news conference in the grounds of the Downer family’s Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, His Lordship pointed to the release of a report by the Commonwealth Auditor-General sparked by the presentation of a Liberal Party “cheque” for federal funds to a local sports club in the Mayo electorate by his daughter and then candidate, the Dowager Lady Georgina Downer, prior to the election (main picture).

Arriving at the news conference carried in the arms of a muscular Pout House under-footman, Lord Downer advised the shirtless young man to  continue cradling him as he did not intend to speak at reporters for long.

True to his word, His Lordship made very brief remarks and, as usual, did not entertain any questions.

“I have never heard of this so-called Australian National Audit Office nor the so-called Auditor-General who has put his untitled name to it,” he began.

“I certainly reject his impertinence in sticking its nose into my darling daughter’s business, and of course he has found she did nothing wrong.

“My sweet young Georgina was perfectly entitled to hand over a cheque to any local sporting club she so desired.

“Much has been said by those beetle-headed coves in the… in the ….Labor Party…..,” His Lordship said before pausing for some time to pluck a perfumed kerchief from his sleeve and place it against his nose.

In obvious distress, Lord Downer continued: “Much was said at the time of the election by those pickthanks and lowly ranked addle-plots about my darling daughter’s right to hand out funds belonging to those unfortunate enough to pay tax.

“Those bird-wits rushed to attack my sweet young Georgina when all she did was to help return those very same taxes, or at least a portion, to those poor unfortunates.

“This left me absolutely betwattled and I am pleased that she has now been completely exonerated by this so-called auditor and his report.

“That is all,” His Lordship said before striking the underfootman with his swagger stick and instructing him to carry him swiftly back to Pout House.