Interview tape clears PM


In a world exclusive, The Bug has been handed the transcript of the controversial telephone call between Prime Minister Scott Morrison and NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller. The tape completely exonerates the PM over any claims of wrongdoing or undue influence over a police inquiry into matters involving Energy Minister Angus Taylor.

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Fuller: Yes, hello, Commissioner Fuller here. How can I help you?

Morrison: Mick, it’s Scottie here.

Fuller: Scottie?

Morrison: Your former neighbour Scott Morrison. We used to take each other’s bins out.

Fuller: Sorry, I’m not quite with you…

Morrison: Scott Morrison, the Prime Minister!

Fuller: Of course. Sorry. It’s been a hectic day. How can I help you, Mr Prime Minister?

Morrison: Hey, what’s with all the formality? We’ve both got the top jobs in our chosen work fields. Sir will do.

Fuller: Yes sir. So how can I help you today? Sir.

Morrison: I’m just ringing about this investigation you’ve got going into this silly suggestion that one of my ministers might have done something illegal.

Fuller: I believe you have seen the media release we’ve put out on that matter?

Morrison: Yes, of course I have. I just wanted to make sure, ah, um, that…

Fuller: Everything in it was correct?

Morrison: That’s right. It’s my duty to know if any of my ministers has behaved in a manner contrary to the highest standards expected of them. I must exercise my responsibilities, both to the Parliament and under the ministerial standards, to exercise the assessment that is required of me on those matters.

Fuller: Of course.

Morrison: So I just wanted to check some things. The name of  your police inquiry is Strike Force Garrad? That’s with two Rs? I want to be totally accurate in everything I write or say.

Fuller: That’s entirely understandable, sir.

Morrison: Also, I was just wondering….

Fuller: You appreciate I can’t go into any more details of our investigation at this time.

Morrison: Of course not. Heaven forbid. Wouldn’t think of it. But I just wanted to say that Angus Taylor is one of the best performing ministers in my entire cabinet.

Fuller: I’m sorry to hear that, sir.

Morrison: Yes, just yesterday in Question Time I praised him for his sterling work as energy minister and that the people of Australia as a result of his efforts can expect to see their power bills start stabilising sometime soon.

Fuller: And after only seven years in government, sir. You must be very proud?

Morrison: Thank you. Angus is a key member of my team and I’m just remaining hopeful that nothing comes out of this Labor Party-forced witchhunt?

Fuller: I can assure you, sir, that the investigation is proceeding in a timely and professional manner.

Morrison: That’s all I’m asking for, Mick. Ah… um … by the way I believe you might be getting a call soon from The Australian.

Fuller: I haven’t got my full dress uniform on today.

Morrison: They won’t care about that, Mick. But I was just wondering if you might say something along the lines that the investigation will be finalised shortly.

Fuller: Well, that certainly is true.

Morrison: And maybe you could say something like “To be honest with you, I actually don’t feel as though the allegations themselves are serious, in terms of the things that I would normally stand up and talk about the types of crimes”?

Fuller: I suppose I could although that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Obviously some document fraud isn’t quite up there with a multiple homicide, is it? And maybe that would also make me look a little foolish seeing the investigation is in its early stages?

Morrison: Well, Mick, that’s a matter for you. I know you well enough to appreciate that you fully support good strong stable, steady-as-you-go government by the only side of politics that manages economies well. Give my love to the wife and kids and we must get down to the park somewhere in the Shire soon for a kick of a footie or maybe just throw a cricket ball around for the cameras? I don’t know about you, Mick, but I could certainly lose a few kilos.

Fuller: Yes, sir. I’m looking forward to….. hello? hello? Are you still there, Prime Minister? Hello? Hello….