Sex lives of average Aussies exposed!

TELEVISION:

It’s being touted as Number 96 and The Box meet Sylvania Waters and it’s a no-holes-barred look at the sex lives of average Australians and it’s deadset going to blow viewers’ socks off!buddy t

It’s called The Noisy Australians and it premieres on SBS Viceland at 8.30pm tonight.

All couples – and the odd single – who agreed to take part in this ground-breaking, earth-shattering reality TV show are introduced in the first hour-long episode of this 10-part series.

How this show has gotten past the censors is a debate left for another day along with the question: would watching this kill the Rev. Fred Nile? I think it would so maybe we should send him a copy?

First up we meet a Sydney couple, Scott and Jen, from Cronulla Shire.

Their lovely daughters safely tucked away for the night, Jen microwaves various lotions as Scott lays out on their bedside table various sex aids designed to make their lovemaking as memorable as possible.

With the size of some of the toys, you’ll feel like looking away – but you won’t be able to! – as Scott and Jen get down to work.

You sense immediately that Scott and Jen are in for a big night as Scott presses some buttons and graphic images of classified naval footage of botched refugee boat turnbacks and illegal muzzies rotting behind barbed wire on Manus Island appear on their wall TV.

He smirks as he checks the voltage on the cattle prod, given to him by a country friend, whom we meet later in the debut episode.

That’s right. All of the loud and noisy Australians in this series are related in some way or another, an interesting device by the writers.

As things start to hot up in the shire, the show then cleverly cuts to Tamworth where we meet Barnaby, sitting naked on a huge four-poster bed in the master bedroom of an opulent six bedroom, three-bathroom, gated-community penthouse he’s renting at mate’s rates from a developer acquaintance.

We hear from the voiceover as we watch his partner Vicki doing the washing up in the kitchen before getting their two sons off to bed that Barnaby has fallen on hard times, with the triple whammy hit of a job demotion, a failed marriage and extra mouths to feed.

We see Barnaby alone on the marriage bed, drinking VB longnecks straight and counting the bundles of cash that have been pouring in from mates since news of his financial struggles broke.

It’s when he applies a thick glob of Vaseline petroleum jelly to the handle of his old fashioned accountant’s adding machine that we, the viewers, realise we are in for a very  interesting night indeed.

We’re then transported to the living room of an elderly couple in the Riverina, where Michael and Catherine have just enjoyed a meal of Menindee Lake Murray cod and three veg and have settled down with a cup of tea to enjoy The Farmer Wants a Wife.

Like a typical porno movie, The Noisy Australians teases us, the viewers, along for a while before the money shots and the noisy screams of sexual gratification come late in the show, so to speak.

There are other “players” in the premiere episode who I won’t name here but all their climaxes are loud and explosive and you’re advised here and now to turn your TV down come 8.30 tonight.

We see Barnaby’s face turn red and he shouts “You Greenie cunts” as he brings himself to a powerful climax just by rubbing a wad of $100 notes up and down the shaft of his tumescent member that he affectionately calls New England. Sitting on the counting machine, the handle lost from sight, probably adds to his pleasure.

Over in the Riverina, Catherine’s low moans of “yes! yes! yes!” grow to a crescendo as she wipes coconut from her quivering lips and bites into a freshly baked lamington and Michael gulps greedily at his weak white tea with three sugars.

Despite all three being metres apart, Michael, Catherine and The Farmer Wants a Wife all reach their climax together and the noise is almost deafening.

Back east in the shire, things have escalated dramatically, with Scott starting to shout in tongues as he raises his right hand in exaltation. “Jesus Christ, my Lord, I’m coming,” is the only thing he shouts in English.

But being the nice and considerate lover he is, he notices that Jen is lagging behind and expertly reaches with his left hand once more for the cattle prod.