A right-royal roasting


Fresh from his disastrous train-wreck of an interview with the BBC (main picture), Prince Andrew pleaded with The Bug’s royal correspondent to give him a chance to finally put the record straight and clear his honorable name.

The Bug: Right from the outset, we need to ask a basic question: did you on three separate occasions have…aroyal corres dinkus

Prince Andrew: I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”

The Bug:: Why are you quoting Bill Clinton?

Prince Andrew: Sorry, what was the question again … oh yes, that Virginia Giuffre woman. Look, it didn’t happen. I have no recollection of ever meeting this lady, none whatsoever.

The Bug: Her name back then was Virginia Roberts.

Prince Andrew: Damn, you’re good. But the answer’s still no. Never met her. Ever ever. That photo is a fake. Besides, on one of those dates she mentioned in 2002, I distinctly recall grabbing a pizza from Pizza Express in Woking.

The Bug: Do you seriously think people are going to buy that.

Prince Andrew: Mummy thought they might. She thinks that if the British people are likely to re-elect Boris Johnson, they’ll believe anything.

The Bug: This then 17-year old remembers you being all sweaty on the dance floor.

Prince Andrew: Ah! There you have it. It can’t have been me. I don’t sweat. Never have, since the Falklands War. Had to be someone else.

The Bug: Do you seriously think people are going to buy that?

Prince Andrew: Damn. Okay how about this. I couldn’t have had sex with this woman because I was born without a penis.

The Bug: Good lord, really? You have children.

Prince Andrew: Damn, you’re good. Okay I had a penis once but it got shot off during the Falklands war. It’s a little known fact that you tend to sweat less when you don’t have a penis.

The Bug: Do you seriously think people are going to buy that?

Prince Andrew: Shit. Okay, okay. It wasn’t shot off but I haven’t been able to get it up since the Falklands War. PDDS or whatever! Besides, it’s always been very, very small. It’s an inbreeding thing apparently. Fergie always laughed at it.

The Bug: Let’s move on. Why did you continue to associate with Jeffery Epstein – indeed stay at his mansion – when you knew he was a convicted paedophile?

Prince Andrew: Let’s clear that one  up right now seeing that seems to be the main issue here. Entirely my fault. I misread all of that. I thought he was a convicted podiatrist. Some basic professional misdemeanour on Jeffrey’s part. I know for a fact he had a foot fetish. Loved young feet.

The Bug: Do you seriously think people are going to buy that?

Prince Andrew: Maybe, when people think how I was just trying to be…

The Bug: Hard of hearing and poor of sight?

Prince Andrew: No, honourable!

The Bug: Do you seriously think people are going to buy that?

Prince Andrew: Okay, okay! I knew he had done something wrong and realise now that I did the wrong thing there.

The Bug: Staying at his mansion?

Prince Andrew: Being photographed at the door. Very silly of me. That’s the bit that… as it were, I kick myself for on a daily basis because it was not something that was becoming of a member of the Royal Family and we try and uphold the highest standards and practices and I let the side down, simple as that. Mummy always say we need to be the firm….

The Bug: ….the firmest you can possibly be to make sure all things are always as prim and proper and above board and all ticketty-boo?

Prince Andrew: No. Just The Firm.

The Bug: We are talking about the English royal family right?

Prince Andrew: Of course, if we don’t uphold the highest of standards mummy is furious with us. I mean I’ve gone through this in my mind so many times. At the end of the day, with a benefit of all the hindsight that one can have, it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do and I admit fully that my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too …

The Bug: Too self-centred, too high and mighty, too untouchable?

Prince Andrew: I was going to say honourable because that’s just the way it is.

The Bug: Do you mind if we take a short break while I pull myself together in as honorable a fashion as possible?

Prince Andrew: Sure. It’ll give me a chance to ring mummy and ask how I’m going this time.