Just one woman is breaking up more marriages in Australian than any one else, a major academic study has shown.
And when she’s not wrecking relationships, she’s turning people into dependent, brain-dead morons reliant on her role in their lives and no longer in full control of their day-to- day activities.
And she can, in fact, be deadly.
Her name is Siri and the body giving the grim warning of that “unhealthy relationship” is the behavioural science unit in the Queensland University of Technology’s Sociology Department.
Siri, of course, is the artificial intelligent personal assistant who helps people who own Apple iPhones, iPads and other devices with daily tasks and questions.
“Siri is taking over our lives so we don’t have to think and act for ourselves anymore, our brains are turning to mush and we’re losing our fine motor skills in the process,” Associate Professor Bethany Greensill told The Bug.
“And it’s all coming apart because too many people are relying too much on Siri.
“Countless thousands of people each and every day are asking Siri to set a time for watering the garden or cooking a cake; even just for three minutes to soft boil an egg.
“We’re just not using our brains to remind ourselves to check the clock and do that process the old-fashioned way ourselves. And keeping our memory cells sharp in the process.
“And no-one knows anyone’s phone numbers anymore because we just ask Siri to ‘phone mum for me’.
“’Siri, where did I park my car?’ is another clear example that we don’t have to think about our surroundings or what we’re doing any more.
“But that’s the least of our worries.
“What’s the most alarming is that using Siri can prove fatal and rip families apart if misused,” she said. “People forget Siri is just a data assistant; nothing more.
“Our research uncovered one Sunshine Coast motorist on his way up north who said: ‘Siri, I’m really tired here tonight. Will you drive for me?’
“He died when his car ran off the Bruce Highway and rolled just north of Childers because Siri didn’t have a manual license and was not used to such a powerful car anyway.
“And, make no mistake, Siri can break up families too. Thousands in fact.
“One man asked her: ‘Siri, I’m really not up to it tonight. Could you make love to my wife for me?’
“Siri did an amazing job, using the vibration feature on the wife’s phone and talking her through different ideas, sitting this way and that on her iPad as well – we all know only a woman knows what a woman wants – and the wife had the most monumental sexual experience of her life, including a 23-second la petite mort.
“Unfortunately, Siri was not interested in a long-term relationship and that woman left her husband and now lives in a lesbian commune just outside Nimbin.”
Professor Greensill said another major problem was that people began to think of Siri as a member of the family and forgot she lacked certain social skills such as discretion and sensitivity.
“One Brisbane man simply forgot his missus was right beside him at their kitchen table when he asked: ‘Hey, Siri, where the bloody hell have I left my wallet?’
“Sire replied: ‘It’s stuck down the back of the crumpled sheets at the base of the bed at your girlfriend’s place.’
“Then the husband rather stupidly asked: ‘Which one?’ So Siri explained: ‘The black-haired piece of cheap skirt you picked up in that pub near your office a few weeks back.’
“That marriage is now over,” Professor Greensill said.
“If only that man had just sat down, refrained from talking to a woman who lives in his phone, used his brain instead for goodness sake and simply asked himself: ‘Where did I last take off my trousers so my wallet might have fallen out?’
“But, oh no, he had to go and ask Siri.”