Citizens of the Maldives in the middle of the Indian Ocean, the Seychelles further west, Kiribati and the Cook Islands in the Pacific Ocean, the Torres Strait islands to Australia’s north, and coastal European cities such as Venice and Amsterdam can all breathe just a little bit easier today.
This follows the historic announcement overnight by a crack team of the world’s leading climate-change commentators whose investigations have proved conclusively that sea levels are in fact decreasing – and, as it turns out, at quite an alarming rate!
The specialist climate-change experts gathered in Sydney Harbour yesterday and, selecting a random time frame, monitored water levels around famous Fort Denison, the island about a kilometre east of the Opera House and formerly known as Pinchgut Island.
The experts became more agitated and excited as the results were posted on a whiteboard on the stern of their luxury six-berth yacht rented from George Pell Holy Waters Cruises and moored just off the island.
The team monitored water levels at the island between 7.09am and 1.14pm and triumphantly recorded a drop of almost a metre – 90cm to be precise!
Head of the project, Doctor Professor Alan Jones punched an imaginary freckle high above his face with a closed fist as he triumphantly declared the results were “a slap in the face for climate-change apologists hellbent on frightening a naive population about our world’s future”.
Emeritus Professor Tony Abbott shouted “I told you it was crap!” as he gleefully wrapped his arms around Jones as the two men rushed off to crack a celebratory bottle of Moet champagne they knew was chilling in the big fridge in the master forward bedroom.
Professor Rowan Dean, another climate-change expert, patted down his unruly golden locks and shouted: “Take that, you sick Greenie worrywarts, you!”
The crack team also included the highly respected Sydney-based climate-change experts Dr Piers Akerman, Dr Ray Hadley and Dr Ben Fordham.
Other experts who flew in for the scientific observations included one of the world’s leading climate talkologists Dr Andrew Bolt from Melbourne, and Professor Campbell Newman, the former Queensland Premier.
Newman was invited to join the expedition late after very recent comments in which he tried his very best to comfort the 150 Australians who had just lost their homes and the thousands more who had to flee panic-stricken to safety in two states.
He tried to make them feel better about themselves by pointing out that fires had always been part of Australia’s history and the Aborigines even started fires to flush out food!
Associate Professor Peter Gleeson also made the trip down from Queensland from his research laboratories at Bowen Hills.
The full list of the expert panel’s makeup and the astounding results of the team’s findings are available on line at respected science site, Spectator.com.