Accusations that Prime Minister Scott Morrison might have pissed his pants while drinking at a rugby league match in Fiji have been dismissed out of hand by The Bug’s resident medico.
“Absolute rubbish,” says our very own Dr Dick, calling on his superb general medical knowledge attained on his way to becoming the world’s leading sex therapist for the past 30 years.
“Mr Morrison is still quite a young man and as such would have no trouble controlling his urine flow, especially at a public event such as this one and in the company of other world leaders, for goodness sake.
“No, I think the real answer is quite obvious.
“I think our PM was simply taking the opportunity away from the pressures of politics to lean back, spread his legs and think fondly – perhaps even erotically – about the wonderful and intimate times he spent recently with US president Donald Trump.
“The stain we can see on the crotch of his trousers is simply discharge from what are called the Cowper’s glands that sit beside the urethra.
“During sexual arousal, these glands secrete a clear, mucus-like substance called pre-ejaculatory fluid, or pre-cum.
“The purpose of this fluid is not known, and the amount varies from man to man.
“So all we see here is a man with enormous belief in himself living out his fantasies to the full, albeit in public view.
“For that reason, we all need to give the poor bugger a break, don’t you reckon?”
UPDATE: Dr Dick phoned in later to say it was remiss of him not to mention one other possible reason for the growing pre-cum stain evident on the prime ministerial crotch at that Fiji rugby league game.
“Mr Morrison might just as easily have been dreaming of the coming Rapture – and I believe that makes him very excited and quite gooey at times.”