Anne of Blue Fables

The Bug is proud to introduce the first of a series of articles looking at the amazing people who make up Scott Morrison’s recently re-elected ministry. This issue, we take a close-up and personal look at ANNE RUSTON, Minister for Families and Social Services.

 

Anne Sowerby Ruston was spawned in Renmark, South Australia, on June 10, 1963. Her first given name is a slight misspelling of one of her parents’ heroes and indeed now one of her own, Ayn Rand.

Deep down, Anne knew from an early age she was moving naturally and quite forcibly to the conservative side of politics, especially after she started shouting “the market knows best” and “all government services should be privatised” over and over again the day she enrolled at the Renmark Pre-School in 1969.

Those early schooling days – indeed her entire childhood – were happy ones and while she was a popular child (pictured at top before she realised blondes had more fun) and had many friends, she was at her most contented sitting alone behind the toilet block at Renmark Private College for Chaste Girls who Know Right from Left, pulling the wings off butterflies and starting small fires in other pupils’ lunchboxes she had stolen at little lunch.

A voracious reader from that early age, Ayn – sorry, Anne – still has her original copy of Mein Kampf and the complete works of Milton Friedman, with annotations and post-it notes on almost every page suggesting improvements to ensure the long-term future of capitalism.

Anne quite deliberately interrupted orientation week at the University of Southern Queensland by driving around campus in her clapped-out Volkswagen Beetle using a megaphone to denounce the dole, arguing that if just one lazy, dole-bludging, single mother of seven kids, all under 10 and all to different fathers, mind, abused it, the whole thing needed to be abandoned.

After obtaining her business degree on the back of her excellent thesis, a pop-up cartoon book based on The Road to Serfdom, Anne became a rose grower and breeder back in her home state of South Australia and by 2015 had built up the business as the largest rose garden in Australia noted for its unique variety that bore only thorns and no bloom.

But she knew she’d never make a real living – or her mark, for that matter – at that while her ungrateful employees demanded to be paid, and so she began to eye a career in politics.

In fact, Anne had first considered a career in politics – indeed, fantasied of one day being prime minister – after a first love during her years when she was forced to transfer to Renmark High School turned sour and she tortured and eventually killed his cat.

A caring and compassionate person nevertheless, and one who knows the vital role working class people play, once they know their place, in a fair and just society, Anne is now the Minister for Families and Social Services in the re-elected Morrison government.

Right now, she remains absolutely furious that some recent comments of hers that she purportedly opposed increasing welfare payments because the recipients would just waste the extra money on illegal drugs or alcohol were deliberately quoted.

What was not explained properly by the fake media and what Anne was indeed trying to express was her deeply held conviction that welfare for common city people needed to be at a level that provided an incentive for those people to better themselves so they could eat as many meals a week as they wanted to, just like rich people can.

Anne has enormous respect and love for her Prime Minister Scott Morrison but close associates admit she is more than a little miffed that the slogans “If you have a go, you’ll get a go” and “The best form of welfare is a job” were in fact both originals of hers, first uttered as assistant Agriculture Minister when she worked her butt off under Malcolm Turnbull.

Other little-known facts about Anne Ruston’s amazing life include:

While she is happily married with one son, Friedrich Hayek Ruston, she keeps photos of Peter Dutton and Heinrich Himmler in her handbag and often fantasises about what it would be like to enjoy a lunchtime sandwich with them.

She loves music and her favourite song is Trickle Down Economics Works Fine by little known Aussie band, the IPA White Shirts.

While she is determined to make a name for herself in federal politics, her creative instincts have never left her and she continues in her limited free time to work on both the lyrics and music to Atlas Shrugged, the Musical.

The woman she most admires is, and will always be, Margaret Thatcher; and

Blessed with a wicked sense of humour, Anne has a sign right behind her ministerial desk in Canberra that proclaims “The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth”.