A city’s record not worth crapping about


An Australia city has set a world record – one that it’s very unlikely to be proud of.

Townsville in tropical north Queensland has discovered in its underground sewers – right under its CBD and its Flinders Street mall, in fact- the largest fatberg ever found anywhere.

Fatbergs are the revolting end-product of things flushed down toilets and kitchen sinks that should never be. Typically, cooking fats over time bind together into an obscene and putrid conglomerate all sorts of objects that should be foreign to any sewerage system regardless of its age or efficiency.

The Townsville fatberg is twice the size of those normally associated with the world’s great metropolises, such as London, New York and Paris.

For example, despite Townsville having a population of just over 180,000, its fatberg is considered a monster compared with London’s Whitechapel fatberg, a 820-foot-long mass discovered in 2017 and declared the biggest example in British history.

Townsville’s has been estimated to be the size of 823 life-sized, fibreglass dinosaurs and to weigh as much as 25,000 former PUP Senators.

As with other fatbergs around the world, the only upside of the Townsville monster is that it represents an excellent opportunity for scientists and social researchers to delve into the habits – indeed the health – of the citizenry that created them. If they’re game enough that is – and can keep their breakfast down.

The London fatberg pointed to a high degree of illicit drug-taking and the Townsville version has revealed some very interesting insights into life in north Queensland.

Found already in sections of the city’s fatberg put under the microscope by gagging researchers have been a gold wrist bracelet with a velociraptor’s talon on it, a 20 to One scale model of the Titanic, a Jenny Craig application form, thick folders containing a number of Bowen and Galilee Basin coal mine development application forms and supporting material requesting free rail, water and coal for 99 years to make each project profitable, and unsent IOUs addressed to the LNP that researchers say total up to almost $60 million.

And like all fatbergs found in the modern world, the Townsville version has a horrible yellow colouring and a pong that would strip the porcelain off the finest of Royal Doulton dunny pedestals.

Townsville City Council has estimated that it will cost several million dollars and the labor of hundreds of retrenched nickel refinery workers to dismember the truly revolting and vomit-inducing fatberg and cart it away.