Bolts face historic final

bolts borderThe Brisbane Bolts have gone into lockdown in a high-security compound at Sydney’s Taronga Park Zoo to prepare for tomorrow’s historic JDG grand final clash with the Geelong G-Spots.

The 2019 grand final will be the first in which a men’s team will battle it out with a women’s team for the coveted Tucker Chute Cup following controversial changes to JDG playing rules at the end of the 2018 season.

The Brisbane Bolts club’s general manager, Terry Verandah, said the mixed-sex grand final would be a landmark for the game, but refused to comment further.

“Yeah hopefully our boys will smash the G-Spots. But that’s all I have to say to you pus-for-brains, shit-spewing reptiles,” Mr Verandah told media representatives as he tried to leave a Newtown brothel where he was tracked down after spending the past week avoiding the media.

“Now get out of my way you lowlife frog vomit. Can’t a man visit an illegal knock shop for a quick oral briefing on a grand final weekend without getting the third degree?” he said while lunging at reporters with a still-running 28cm vibrator.

Jack Saunders, head coach of the Brisbane Bolts, said his players were looking forward to the grand final.

“In the next 24 hours before they take to the field for the first stanza of the 12-hour day-night game I’ll be running them through some special drills using some of Taronga Zoo’s more voracious and vicious specimens,” Mr Saunders said.

“I know it’s a cliché but it’s true that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So the 27 guys who walk out of Taronga Zoo alive come Sunday morning will be the best team we’ve ever selected.”

Mr Saunders said there had so far been only one death in the training camp.

“Sadly I have to announce that this morning our star centre-forward grabber, Dick ‘Big Dick’ Bigg, killed a rare Angolan black panther with his bare hands as it was feeding (main picture),” he said.

“We have already discussed the issue of compensation with the zoo and they will be paying Bigg for the treatment of the injuries he sustained.”

JDG fans have welcomed the advent of mixed-gender games at the code’s senior levels.

But administrators and players in many of the game’s women’s clubs believe the change is merely “window dressing” and male teams still receive the bulk of support and funds from the JDG.

Head coach of the Geelong G-Spots, Jacqui Saunders, said her team initially welcomed the new JDG rules and the interest the game’s administrators took in its female clubs after years of neglect.

“At first we thought this is great, we’re going to be on the same footing as the men’s clubs,” she said.

“We got very excited when we were told by the JDG that it had struck a deal for our games to be shown on pay-TV and that all women’s club players would be kitted out with new uniforms at the JDG’s expense.

“But then we discovered the uniforms were actually sheer and skimpy negligees, and the TV deal was with a soft porn channel and all they would be showing was the girls in the dressing room before and after each game.

“Which reminds me, I must check for cameras in the dressing room on Sunday,” she said.

Ms Saunders also said she had requested that all Brisbane Bolts players wear lockable penis cages during the grand final to avoid the problems that struck the semi-finals when a number of the Bolts performed an “elephant dance” and “helicopter fly-by” in the dressing rooms of the Darwin D-Cups at half-time.

Jack Saunders said his players had been just trying to bond with their opponents.

“It was just a bit of high-jinks,” he said. “Just some good natured horseplay.”

DISCLOSURE: The Bug is a major sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.