US President Donald Trump has moved a step closer to being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize he covets after news broke overnight that he had thwarted a multi-warhead nuclear attack on Beijing.
Mr Trump told the White House press corp he had been “shocked to his core” when he heard “very senior people in my administration” had discussed plans to obliterate the Chinese capital as it celebrated 70 years of Communist rule.
“Such a surprise attack would have taken out Jina’s entire range of nuclear missiles, other advanced weapons, thousands if not all of its tanks, its latest airforce jets, drones and other aircraft and the very, very best of China’s armed forces personnel all squashed up together in Tiernamen Square,” President Trump said.
“Just think about it. Kaboom! It would have been yuge. All those nuclear weapons pointing up each other’s asses gone and with no time at all to take aim.
“No more Jina boasting about its military might. Just a mist of Jinese people including the upper echelons of the Communist Party leadership and their inferior armaments and munitions reduced to pea-sized bits and spreading skyward above the Jinese capital. It would have been a beautiful sight.
“I don’t know who thought of it among my national security people and defence force chiefs but it was certainly a piece of tactical genius,” Mr Trump said. “It would have assured world peace for decades to come.
“Jina would have been reduced to a leaderless rabble who would have been begging to become the 51st state of the United States of America.
“But I put the kibosh on it, folks. I came down hard as the world’s most stable genius pacifist that you all know that I am. I know that. And I think the Nobel Peace Prize Committee knows it too.
“I said to my people: “No, let’s just make it a warning this time to President Xi Jinping”.
“So I say to Jing: ‘No more of this telling the world you are a peaceful people and then staging these ostentatious displays of so-called military might’.
“I mean folks, did you see those hundreds of nuclear missiles that Jina claimed were the world’s best? Seriously? They looked like little toy cap guns compared with the new missiles I’ve had built in just a few short years of my first term as president.”
Mr Trump then ended the media conference as he said he was expecting an urgent call from Norway.