Now that Spring has well and truly sprung, it’s time to work on that tan for summer or head out for a nice ocean swim to get fit for those new togs you want to buy.
And you can both with complete confidence for if Kisma says you’re safe as houses in October, the most shark-infested of waters or the fiercest and most unseasonal of cancer-causing suns can do you no harm whatsoever!
In 30 years of precision stargazing for The Bug, Kisma has never, ever, had a complaint from anyone killed by a deadly melanoma or bitten in half by a great white that he didn’t foresee.
September 23 – October 22
You wonder if you’re the only person in the nation who believed Scott Morrison when he said he was referring to the phrases “racist” and “racist” when he used the words: “I did not use either of those phrases”.
SENATOR MATHIAS CORMANN:
20 September, 1970.
Well, I thought it made sense. But then again, my logic skills are on a par with my head-counting abilities.
October 23 – November 21
As one of countless Australians who would love to see Scott Morrison keep his promise and “burn for Australia”, you wonder whether a kitchen gas-top stove accident would be enough to do the trick.
November 22 – December 21
You’ve been looking forward to October 1 simply because that ABC documentary on the guys behind the MoJo ad agency screens that night and you’ve long ago grown sick of watching the promo for it dozens of times a night for what seems like several months.
December 22 – January 19
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway armed only with a new 1.5kilo cricket bat, you encounter David Warner and at least get the chance to knock yours in properly.
January 20 – February 18
You notice the label on your upmarket shampoo says it contains rare flower oils and wonder what they’ll use when they inevitably die out.
February 19 – March 20
At your annual check-up for skin cancers you are pretty excited when your dermatologist peruses your naked form before adding he’s sure he can get you a role in a popular TV show, only to feel a bit deflated when he explains it’s Embarrassing Bodies.
March 21 – April 19
You start to suspect that the word “Joker” actually refers to anyone silly enough to pay good money to see Joaquim Phoenix in the latest movie in the Batman franchise.
April 20 – May 20
While still fairly upset that you didn’t share in the $150 million first prize in Powerball a few weeks ago, you console yourself in the fact that you saved money by not buying a ticket.
May 13, 1968
It’s been a while since that liaison with that interesting American man in his Washington home and concern grows now that you’re already a week overdue.
May 21 – June 20
You drive past that Salvos’ store in western Sydney again and notice that mountain of GWS merchandising – scarves, jumpers, flags, pennants, etc, – is still growing in size by the day.
June 21 – July 22
After watching Cameron Smith in action during Saturday night’s NRL preliminary final, you suspect he might be a strong contender for the 2019 NRL Paul Gallen medal for most whinges in a season to referees.
July 23 – August 22
You hear on the grapevine that in his last year as Australian Rugby League Commission head honcho Peter Beattie is happy that the NRL grand final will be a two-city affair between the Sydney City Steggalls and the Canberra HUAWEIs.
August 23 – September 22
The phrase “a fool and his money are soon parted” comes to mind as you place a sizeable online bet that the Wallabies will win this year’s World Cup Rugby Championships in Japan.