You’ve got to pick a bucket or two

RETAIL NEWS:

A massive spike in chuck bucket sales has Bunnings primed to record its greatest sales period on record.

“The chuck buckets have been rushing off the shelves faster than we can restock them,” a spokesperson for the Australian hardware and household goods leviathan said.

“We know it can’t last forever but we understand there might still be one more love-in between US President Donald Trump and our own Prime Minister Scott Morrison to go so we’re putting on even more staff than normal.

“How good is that for sales?

“By the time the PM’s visit to the United States is completed, we anticipate there will hardly be a home in Australia without a Bunnings chuck bucket overflowing in any room with a TV or mobile viewing platform in it.”

What pleases Bunnings most about the sales boom is that the company predicted it.

In its retailing history in Australia, Bunnings had never run Australia-wide ads before across both print and electronic platforms for just one product but it did so recently for its range of chuck buckets (main picture above).

“Our research people tell us that by the time of the first real love-in between Trump and Morrison – the Oval Office chat and then the official State Dinner under the stars where they basically sucked each other’s cocks in public using words – Bunnings chuck buckets were being filled up in close to a quarter of Australian homes.

“By the time our Prime Minister shouted ‘How good are jobs?’ at that Ohio cardboard factory and Trump responded by saying Morrison had won his own election because the two men were so alike, that figure was closer to a half of all homes as those retching sounds you could hear in suburban streets around the nation came from mouths hovering over a quality Bunnings chuck bucket.

“I bet many were thankful they had a second Bunnings bucket to turn to.”

What excites Bunnings is that the sales boom is expected to last for some months after the prime ministerial visit to America ends.

The spokesperson explained: “Like a lot of Bunnings products, we expect the handles on our chuck bucket range to fall off fairly quickly. Just like our garden tool range.

“Our customers always seem to accept that happening, knowing we stock a lot of Chinese-made shit.

“It’s like they’re too embarrassed to admit they bought the shit in the first place which is really quite silly as we’d happily replace the buckets if they asked for that. I mean, we get them landed in store for $1.10.

“Yet almost all of our customers will just come in and buy the same Chinese-made shit over and over again. Go figure.

“Still, we can’t complain. It is our basic business model after all.”