A tearful Tony Abbott has offered to serve out George Pell’s remaining jail term on pedophile counts following an appeal court’s rejection of the cardinal’s bid to have those convictions overturned.
“What a bummer,” the former Prime Minister said this morning when he heard that the Victoria Court of Appeal had ruled two-to-one that Pell’s convictions for child sex offences against two choirboys in the 1990s should stand.
Mr Abbott had just finished his morning’s work as a lollypop laddie on a school crossing in the heart of his old federal electorate of Warringah (pictured) when he was “stunned and absolutely floored” by news of the court decision.
Mr Abbott unashamedly wiped away tears as he remained adamant that the George Pell he knew and loved remained a decent and honourable man.
“I’d go down on my knees right now and prostate myself in front of this wonderful and kind man if he was suddenly to appear in front of me,” Mr Abbott said.
“He’s been my spiritual mentor and my suppository of wisdom, faith wise, for decades.
“I would never have gotten ahead jobwise as much as I have in life without his hands-on spiritual embrace.
“So, yes, I’d gladly take Cardinal Pell’s place in jail right now if the Victorian legal system would allow that.
“I’d be more than happy to be Cardinal Pell’s ring-in for the duration of his jail term.”
Mr Abbott said another option was for him to seek the leadership of the Catholic Church as Pope Tony I.
“I got to be prime minister of Australia so becoming Pope is not a complete stretch of the imagination,” he said.
“My first act if I win will be to declare George Pell innocent and fast-track a sainthood for him for his service to the Australian community.
“If I can get him a knighthood, I’ll do that too,” he said.