Trump eyes an island


President Donald Trump has apparently turned his attention to buying Ireland after his plans for the United States to acquire Greenland were rebuffed by Denmark.

The Danish Government which is responsible for Greenland has rejected any sale of the autonomous territory to the US as proposed by President Trump who has confirmed previously sketchy reports of the plan.

“Yeah, yeah. I did raise the idea of buying Greenland with my advisers,” Mr Trump said at a White House news conference.

“I thought it was a good plan. I’ve been wanting to find an island to send people who are invading the US by illegally crossing our borders, and I looked at the map and Greenland just kinda jumped out at me.

“I thought it looked like a shithole country nobody would miss if we bought it. But if the Dames want to keep it, that’s up to them.

“I admit I got the idea of diverting illegal arrivals to an offshore island from my good pal, the Prime Minister of Australia, Scooter Maddison.

“He’s coming here to the White House, you know, very soon, very soon, and I’ll be talking more about his immigration policies then. He’s got some great ideas, I tell ya. Yeah, streets ahead of me.

“You think we have it bad in the United States with murderers and rapists coming in from places like Mexico. The poor old Ossies face the same problem but they got paedophiles invading them as well.

“So naturally I want to hear more about how they keep them out and sending them all to an island forever seems a good plan to me. Yeah, a good plan.

“There are many, many other islands I can buy and right now I’m looking at another shithole that’s actually called Island. Can you believe it?

“My good pal Boris Trump who’s just become Prime Minister of Great England tells me Island is an island just near his own country and according to Boris it’s a shithole full of lazy, drunks.

“So we should be able to pick it up for a song,” Mr Trump said.