Sales of vomit bags, chuck buckets, mops and cleaning agents spiked at convenience stores around Australia early this morning and marketing experts are at a complete loss to explain why.
All major convenience chains – from NightOwl and City Convenience stores to 7-Eleven, EzyMart, NewsLink and countless independent Asian and Indian outlets – reported brisk sales of such items from just over 6am.
Hardest hit were city stores near large population centres, with countless, pale-faced local residents seeking vomit bags, chuck buckets and any medicinal products aimed at settling down queasy tummies. The trend moved quickly towards mops, bulk paper towels, cloth rags and various cleaning agents over the next three hours.
While the retail surge did coincide with ABC TV’s Virginia Trioli Gushing Farewell Tribute Show that replaced the normal News Breakfast program, no expert The Bug contacted could suggest any proven link between the two.
But one of the earliest spikes happened at about the same time that Trioli thanked the Yarra River for its support in flowing past the ABC’s Melbourne Southbank studios for the 11 years she co-anchored the show.
Another came some time later when she thanked the CFMMEU workers who built the ABC building, the concierge for always being there each morning to welcome her with a wave, her teachers throughout her school years, journalism mentors such as Mike Smith and Barrie Cassidy, her local Southbank barista for her perfect pre-dawn takeaway caffè macchiato – or as she would say – kafˈfɛ mmakˈkjaːto – with just the right dash of free-range yak’s milk, and of course her parents for having had sex nine months before she was born.
The convenience store sales hit their absolute peak just before 8am – with disinfectants and air-fresheners also added to many desperate customers’ bundle of cleaning supplies – when Ms Trioli deliberately selected the theme from Brokeback Mountain for a live music segment, just so she could pronounce famed Argentinian composer Gustavo Alfredo Santaolalla with perfect professional ease.
Industry insiders suggested another possible reason was to show Lisa Millar that Ms Trioli’s expensive, bright red Italian shoes were going to be impossible to fill.
A RARE, SERIOUS BUG MOMENT: We at The Bug are sad to see the back end (pictured above) of Virginia Trioli. We’ll miss the occasional opportunity to take the mickey out of her rare mistakes or fancy pronunciations. Very few if any so-called “professionals” in the fourth estate are holding Australian governments to account and La Trioli generally gave it her best shot. Besides, anyone who instinctively saw through the “kids overboard” pictures way back when truly deserves our ongoing respect and admiration. But still: how the fuck are we going to make fun of her on Melbourne radio?!