Lord Downer enters Hong Kong debate


Lord Downer has entered the public debate on political unrest in Hong Kong, saying it is time for a return to British rule there.

In a brief appearance in the Peking Room of his sprawling family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, Lord Downer addressed media representatives before attending a fundraising event he had organised to support a “true blue British Hong Kong”.

His Lordship, attired in imperial Chinese robes for the fundraiser (main picture), entered the room carried in a traditional oriental jiao or shuttered sedan chair.

The jiao was carried by four strapping young men of Far Eastern extraction, shirtless to their waists, wearing see-through silk Chinese pants and no undergarments, with their tanned and muscular torsos glistening from being rubbed with sesame oil whose aroma filled the room.

On arrival in the Peking Room, the four young men lowered the jiao, opened one of its shuttered sides, and allowed Lord Downer to emerge along with two similarly clad and oiled lads who had made the journey from his upstairs boudoir with him.

Lord Downer began by using a kerchief drawn from one of his cuffs to wipe sesame oil from his hands before apologising to the assembled reporters as he was pressed for time.

He explained that the young men carrying the jiao were the all-male troupe of dancers and contortionists he had engaged to entertain guests at his fundraiser.

“I personally chose the Hung Yung Boys to perform for me… I mean my guests, tonight,” he said.

“So it is only fair that I be the one to personally oil them for their performance,” he said before falling into a light swoon and steadying himself by embracing one of the strapping lads.

Continuing after a swift sniff of smelling salts, Lord Downer continued: “I have for some days now been very concerned about the situation in Hong Kong where protests now appear to be out of control.

“It is clear to me that only a return to good old British rule will steady the ship of state there.

“We may talk of a Brexit when it comes to Europe, but we need a Brenter when it comes to Hong Kong, and indeed many other former colonies around the world that are now mere shadows of what they were in the days of the British Empire. Huzzah!”

When asked if he were advocating a Westminster-style democratic system for Hong Kong, Lord Downer grew angry.

“Of course not you silly whippersnapper,” he shouted, before taking another short sniff of salts.

“Don’t you know young man that the British owned and ran Hong Kong from the 1840s and a full-blown Westminster-style democratic system was put in place by Britain only in 1995 before being severely modified by the Chinese when they took over after the handover of Hong Kong just two years later.

“No, sir. I am encouraging a return to the type of pre-1995 rule that saw British interests and upper class colonial rulers of Hong Kong flourish for centuries before they, wrongly in my view, handed back the colony to China.

“That is the true Hong Kong that we all knew and loved — a colonial paradise where everyone could live the high life at little cost as long as the natives were kept under control and didn’t interfere in the running of the place.

“No, sir. Democracy never works, and I should know. Just look at what it did to my poor darling daughter, the Lady Countess Dowager Georgina,” Lord Downer wailed before falling into a dead faint and slipping sideways into the arms of one of the oiled-up lads who delicately placed him in the jiao which was then carried from the room.