Happy financial new year to all my loyal followers.
Please step out with confidence into the crazy, wacky world of 2019-2020 knowing that the world’s most accurate starsignist in history has your back.
June 21 – July 22
You catch only a few moments of the 2019 Logie Awards telecast and can’t help but think the statuette being handed out looks a bit small and scruffy but then realise it’s actually ABC Gardening Australia’s Costa Georgiadis delivering an acceptance speech.
July 23 – August 22
You suspect your decision not to take the family to the Brisbane Ekka this year can now be reversed after your sole win in first-division Lotto but you’ll still check with your accountant first.
August 23 – September 22
You totally agree that Israel Folau has the right to say whatever he wants to say, but as a drunken homosexual adulterous lying fornicating thieving atheist idolater you reckon he should ease up a bit on the Biblical references.
September 23 – October 22
Watching the Logies and those up for the prestigious overall Gold gong, you wonder how totally devoid of talent must be those competing for the less-sought-after paper mache and lead-alloy Logies.
October 23 – November 21
You catch only a few moments of the 2019 Logie Awards telecast and think that while Bert Newton still has obviously fake hair, he is looking slightly less puffy, not quite as morbidly obese, and slightly less wrinkled than the last time you saw him on TV, but then realise you’re watching Richard Wilkins.
November 22 – December 21
Your plan to sweat off some kilos over the winter months is coming along a treat after your missus broke out the heavy winter doona almost a month ago now.
December 22 – January 19
Even though you’re aware how few people still watch free-to-air TV or indeed need a magazine to see what’s on it, you’re still perplexed as to how Tom Gleeson got the 43 votes needed to garner him the Gold Logie last night.
January 20 – February 18
You are bitterly disappointed with widespread accusations that Tom Gleeson has turned the Logies into a bit of a joke. That ship sailed a long, long time ago.
February 19 – March 20
You catch only a few moments of the 2019 Logie Awards telecast but think it was a suitable and sensitive touch for the producers to include a short tribute to Karl Stefanovich’s career in the “In Memoriam” segment.
March 21 – April 19
You thought Kerry O’Brien’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech at the Logies was shaping as an absolute cracker so naturally enough you were disappointed in having to head off to work this morning when it was still only half way through.
April 20 – May 20
You wonder if that thing you heard down the pub is true: that the Logies are named after John Logie Baird, the turn-of-the-century businessman who started Bairds ‘R’ Us.
May 21 – June 20
You catch only a few moments of the 2019 Logie Awards telecast and can’t help but think that’s the best way to watch it.