There’s no need to burn in June

stars dinkusYour name doesn’t have to be June to know you can step out in complete safety this month, now that The Bug’s famed soothsayer has foreseen what’s in store for all of us. So shake off any wintery discontent you might be harbouring, cast aside those bedsheets, get up, get dressed and tackle that big wide, exciting world that exists outside your front door.  Kisma will keep you safe.

May 21 – June 20

Feeling a bit down and seeing yourself a bit of a loser, you brighten yourself up by thinking about the bloke who lost a million dollars trying to win $240,000 on a Labor win at the May 18 poll.


With your lifestyle choices now having been well and truly vindicated by the good people of Dawson, the fact that you can now safely once again immerse yourself in your Philippines travel brochures makes you realise just how many of those brochures you had.

June 21 – July 22

So you finally found out where Ivan Milat has been living for the past two decades. What kept you?

July 23 – August 22

Although you’re happy that Morrison won and Labor won’t be taxing your estate with its planned 40% death tax, you do notice that your children – several of whom haven’t talked to you in years – are now constantly ringing up, asking how you are and how you’re feeling.

August 23 – September 22

You’re not surprised when you hear on the grapevine that Newspoll’s prediction that its first major poll since the May 18 election will be published in The Australian on Monday June 10 will be at least two weeks out and well beyond the normal 3% margin of error.

September 23 – October 22

Now that the federal election outcome has been more or less finalised, you wonder if it’s terribly wrong of you to be praying that a carload full of Queensland-based LNP MPs should be involved in a high-speed head-on collision with a road train carrying 230 cattle.

PETER DUTTON – Nov 18, 1970

Buoyed by the election result in your seat of Dickson that shows you are still deeply admired and respected for your work as, firstly, Immigration Minister and now Home Affairs Minister, you wonder nevertheless why people approaching you on footpaths risk heavy traffic, even when pushing a pram and with a child on one arm, to cross over to the other side as soon as they spot you coming.

October 23 – November 21

Ever the sycophant, you apply for membership of your local Pentecostal church only to find the recommended weekly donations, motivational book purchases, the weekly garnishee of wages and other income, and the singing and talking-in-tongues lessons are far too costly.

November 22 – December 21

You can’t hide your disappointment when your GP refuses to accede to your request to be placed into an induced coma for the next three years.

December 22 – January 19

You put up on eBay those wheel clamps you bought for your ute during the federal election campaign only to find they’re practically worthless because there’s an absolute glut of them up there for sale.

January 20 – February 18

You become increasingly angry as each day passes and your bank account hasn’t been credited with those $44,000 in franking credits you were promised during the election campaign. And you remain annoyed as to how much more it might have been if you had ever bought shares.


You wonder how long you’ll have to utter meaningless phrases such as “We’ve got to respect what the voters have told us”; “They’ve sent us a clear message”; and “The Labor Party has to get back to basics” before you can say what you really think.

February 19 – March 20

You’re still scratching your head wondering why federal Labor has to dump most if not all of its policies if the voters in fact rejected what the government and Clive Palmer claimed those policies were, which was an entirely different kettle of smelly fish.

March 21 – April 19

You’re filled with enormous pride when both of your children, inveterate liars with absolutely no shame at all over the obvious porkies they’ve sprouted from the very moment they could talk, announce out of the blue they both want to be prime minister of Australia one day.

SCOTT MORRISON, May 13, 1968

You decide to splash out on some nice new suits after discovering that the bottoms of all your suit pants have been inexplicably burnt out over recent months.

BILL SHORTEN May 12, 1967

Your breast-reduction exercise kit arrives in the mail, sadly a few months too late for it to do you any good.


You can’t help but think it was maybe partly your fault when you recall telling your twin brother he should literally run for prime minister.

April 20 – May 20

After hearing Scott Morrison declare that he and his ministry would “burn for Australia” you are rather embarrassed over the pleasure you get from a vision of a town square somewhere with stakes all over it with Scottie starting to smoulder, Michaelia melting away, Josh just becoming fully alight and Peter being helped on his way with more than a splash of high-octane petrol thrown lustily by a cheering mob.