You’ve probably noticed that I’ve taken the egg off my one good eye for this rant.
And why not? I haven’t read too many mea culpas from real psephologists over their predictions for the May 18 election, so why should I?
The pollsters are also missing in action, especially Mr “Labor 51.5% to the LNP’s 48.5% on election-eve” Newspoll, who also remains shtum two weeks after the event. That’s assuming he’s still in the business of political polling? Or she?
And just in time, I’ve recovered my shattered “amateur psephologist for hire” shingle from the garbage bin and it once again hangs unproudly and still askew above my writing desk.
So on I intend to plough, still forming views mainly from my ever-increasing gut feeling but with my vision yolk-free.
And why not? I’ve already posed the question: what if the polls were largely right? And if so, what happened in those final few days to turn the poll averages on their heads? Could not the answer largely be in the palmer of one fat, self-centred turd’s coal-blackened hands? That and a monster spend at the death by an LNP that was supposedly broke?
It’s worth noting that the final makeup of the House of Reps will be LNP 77; Labor 68 and crossbench 6.
Turnbull limped back into a one-seat majority in 2016 with 76 seats. The Miracle Worker, the Messiah from the Shire, the Happy Clapper Slogan Bogan, the nation’s No1 Christian, has one more, although there’s one extra seat this time around.
Think about that. Morrison is few mishaps away from the nightmare of minority government. An electoral challenge in Chisholm? A by-election in north Queensland if George Christensen follows his heart to the Philippines? A ministerial scandal and resignation?
Sure, the 18 May result is devastating to Bill Shorten and his shadow ministry. Their loss was shocking and unexpected. The side of politics that actually went into the election with policies remains in opposition and my right-wing arsehole mates can scoff at this but Australia is much the poorer for it.
The side of politics that wanted to have the funds available in the years ahead to do, you know, government thingos such as health, education, infrastructure, good public-sector jobs instead of flogging off services to privateer mates, etc, has to wait a while longer.
Let’s remember that this close result comes despite the most dishonest, lie-riddled, almost solely negative, almost policy-free campaign I’ve seen from a government in my lifetime, one backed by a never-seen-before and hopefully never-to-be-repeated $60 million anti-Labor blitzkrieg from Clive Palmer.
Just listen to government MPs drifting back to Canberra. They know they’ve dodged a bullet. They expected to be returning to the capital in opposition. Truth be known, they knew they deserved to be in opposition.
Anthony Albanese can use all the usual weasel words the political beaten think they have to sprout so as not to look like sore losers or having too big a dig at the electorate but I won’t have a bar of it.
So a big callout from me to all those responsible for holding back Australia for the next three years: all those who bought the retiree/superannuation/housing/rent/car and DEATH tax bullshit that the LNP and Palmer covered them with during the election.
My special message: you’re a sadsack, selfish, pathetic fuckbunch of brain-dead morons!
No, wait. Surely I can do better than that.
Here’s my heartfelt plea to all those oldies around this nation who were conned into thinking their pensions were going to be taxed by Labor’s “retirees tax”. Go fuck yourselves with a rubber hose! Go on. Out to the back of the house right now, grab that garden hose and start feeding it in. Give yourselves a damn good rubbering.
To all those tradies who bought wheel clamps for their utes and work vehicles and believed they’d be forced to buy expensive electric cars under Labor’s “car tax”: Go fuck yourselves with a rubber hose! You know where it is. Shove it in hard, thrust yourself to a frenzy. Make your eyes water.
To the countless tens, maybe hundreds of thousands who believed the Morrison government’s lie about Labor’s 40 per cent “death tax”: go fuck yourselves with a rubber hose! Just keep feeding that hose in; your kids’ inheritance is safe now. Turn the tap on full.
To the dumb-as-fuck voters in electorates such as the Potato with Dead Eyes’ Dickson who swallowed the mass-circulated guff that their rents would increase under Labor’s “housing tax”, GFYWARH! Don’t stop at the nozzle attachments. Push it all in ’til it hurts.
And, finally, to those voters out there waiting for their $40,000 franking credit refund even if they don’t have shares … well, you really are special. You know where the hose is. Don’t take the sprinkler off.
Geez, I feel better for saying all that. Who was it who said the truth will set you free? Jim Carrey?
I’m calling on Albo and his team to get over this tricky little period of cosmetic introspection and then come out fighting, scratching and biting hard. Kick some balls. Punch some heads. Use a broken glass bottle if necessary. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Tell Australia there was bugger-all wrong with the policy suite they took to the people.
If Albo and Co. want to apologise for anything, make a virtue out of having too many good policies. Apologise for running out of steam or money at the death. Say your messaging wasn’t perfect.
But above all admit, as Bill Shorten did on Friday, that you got steamrolled at the end by an ad spend unparalleled in this nation’s electoral history.
Just get over this nonsense that you can’t offend voters. This election changed just about every rule; why keep that one?
Make them feel sorry for being hoodwinked by flim-flam merchants and a supreme snakeoil salesman with all the Christianity of a cane toad’s poison glands.
I have no fucking idea why Albo is doing the “we need to review our policies but not our beliefs” bullshit line.
Labor had tax-rort-ending, income-generating policies that they told us for years were vital for Australia’s future. Don’t back-peddle on them; you won’t get to the finish line first in 2022 doing that. By all means tweak them, don’t trash them. If you want to be cynical, disguise them; don’t bury them.
Labor has paid a big price for wedging Morrison on those policies so make the most of it.
So, Albo and Co, cut the conventional “we’re sorry” cuteness. The political rules have all been rewritten with this election.
I listened while the political commentariat told me for years that vicious personal attacks never work. They worked a treat.
Disunity is death in politics, I’ve always been told. It isn’t. Not anymore.
An unpopular government with shit policies and shit ministers and a shit economic record and with more than a whiff of corruption around it can never be re-elected. It can – and was.
So lies are king. Policies no longer count.
Be far more subtle than I am being here but tell the people they were conned and they’re going to pay a big price for that trickery.
Who gives a rat’s arse if those voters get insulted, bristle up and are offended for a while and Albo’s better-PM stats go down.
Australian voters have ahead of them a whole term of very average government – does anyone seriously expect it to get any better for Morrison and his trickle-down tricksters, his flog-everything-off-to- their mates ministry – for it to dawn on them that they’ve been had big time.
After a campaign riddled with the most outrageous of lies, it’s time Labor held the line, believed in its policies and told the truth about what happened.
Backtrack too far and they’ll lose my vote next time as well.