Stars to go home empty handed

LOGIE AWARDS:

The 2019 Logie Awards due to be staged at the Gold Coast next month have been thrown into crisis with the Logie Statuette refusing to participate because of what it said was “the congo line of talentless nominees and the general shitty standard of Australian free-to-air TV”.

logie statue confAt a news conference on the Gold Coast where award nominations were announced on Sunday, a tired and emotional Statuette (pictured) said: “Until there’s a noticeable lift in the standard of Australian free-to-air TV and the so-called ‘stars’ who work in it, I’ll be boycotting the 2019 and future awards.

“Let’s face it, the list of nominees for this year’s awards is deeply disappointing. Just look at the list of hacks and has-beens vying for the Gold Logie,” the Statuette said while swigging from a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label Whisky.

“I’ve heard of a couple of them, but who the hell is Sam Mac? And who the hell is Rodger Corser? I don’t even know what shows they’re in.

“Not that it’s necessary to actually be in a current TV program to win an award, as we’ve seen in previous years.

“I see Tom Whathisname, that ranga from that ABC show and that other ABC show, is on the Gold Logie shortlist. But he’s only there because he’s been running a campaign taking the piss out of the awards.”

After unsuccessfully suppressing a belch, the Statuette said its contract with the Logie Awards meant that by boycotting the ceremony the organisers would not be able to present winners with the traditional statue in its image that had been given to category winners since the Logie Awards started 60 years ago.

The news caused Logie Award organisers to urgently contact potential Gold Logie winners such as Network Ten’s Waleed Aly to rehearse not receiving the traditional award (main picture).

The Statuette said either the local television industry lifted its standards or the Logie Awards should start to actually reflect what Australians saw on their TV screens.

“I mean we really should have a Most Popular Dickhead Award, or a Most Talentless Arsehole Award, although it would be difficult to whittle the deserving nominees down to a shortlist,” the Statuette said while swaying visibly.

“We could also have more realistic awards like the Wil Anderson Award for Best Scripted Impromptu Remark or the Logie for Playing the Character ‘Toadie’ in a TV Soap Opera for 25 Years,” he said before collapsing sideways, lapsing into unconsciousness, and urinating uncontrollably.