Re-elected Prime Minister Scott Morrison has capped off his stunning win on May 18 with a coveted lifetime achievement award from an Australian organisation that packs quite a punch.
The Australian Bully Boys Association executive at its annual meeting in a Rooty Hills, Sydney, tattoo parlour last night announced that Mr Morrison would be the recipient of its rare Best Biffer award that comes with a miniature human punching bag trophy for his “relentless and effective bullying of Bill Shorten over time”.
ABBA president Spike Anthrax who spoke to The Bug has he was having the final layers of a post-apocalyptic scene inked onto his ample buttocks said his association’s executive was in awe of Mr Morrison’s bullying technique that “had clearly played a significant role in despatching Shorten to the wilderness where he belongs”.
“A lot of us think of bullying as the sort of schoolyard stuff where scrawny kids get pummelled and have their big lunch and fancy sneakers taken off them.
“And we’re pretty confident Mr Morrison would have done plenty of that as a kid.
“But mental bullying in so many ways is far superior in its vicious intent and effectiveness apart from the obvious advantage of leaving no physical bruises and that’s the main reason we’ve given this rare award to the PM.
“Years of relentless putdowns of Mr Shorten in Parliament, constantly calling him a liar and a slimy brown-nosing sycophant and snake-in-the grass trying to slither his way to the lodge on the back of those lies were very impressive examples of mental cruelty.
“Mr Morrison kept up that relentless mental bullying during the recent campaign with ‘Bill lies. Bill always lies. That’s all he ever does. He lies and he lies and he lies’.
“You simply can’t teach that intensity of mental bullying; it has to be part of your makeup.
“The perfect bully bullies because there’s basically nothing of any worth about themselves to present to the world which is another reason why his bullying was so outstanding.
“By the time Morrison and his campaign team introduced their various tax scares in the campaign, Shorten was done and dusted as a shifty liar; a husk of a man with his grubby hands in average Australians’ pockets.”
Mr Anthrax said it would be wrong, though, to categorise Mr Morrison purely as a mental bully.
“Sure, he never came to physical blows with Shorten but the PM was canny enough to know that might be a punch too far.
“The way he glowered at Shorten at the dispatch box in Question Time as he rained his hurtful epithets down on a seated Shorten had an over-bearing, overpowering physical component to it. And we all remember the ‘space invaders’ moment in one of the TV debates. That’s in-your-face provocation and intimidation right there from a natural- born bully.”
Approached by The Bug, Mr Morrison wanted to thank ABBA for its award but humbly said he could not accept all the credit for it.
“Having a $60 million royal commission into Bill’s ‘corruption’ was Tony Abbott’s idea and can you get anything more physical than having the very bright light of a lengthy probe shoved up your arse to see what lurks inside?” the PM said.
“If anyone did that to me, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
“And let’s not forget that my predecessor Malcolm Turnbull began the intense bullying and name-calling of Shorten in the Parliament.
“Using that technique to hide the fact that he had bugger all of a record to defend was brilliant.
“I just took it up a notch or two.
“And of course being a far-better performer than Malcolm on the hustings I’ve achieved the result that all of that bullying was aimed at in the first place.”
The Prime Minister added that he could not wait for Parliament’s recall so he could commence an intense and lengthy bullying campaign against Anthony Albanese.
“He’ll wish he’d never put his name up for Opposition Leader by the time I’m finished with him.
“I do wish he had a different first name though. Still, we’ll work something out.
“Maybe I’ll call him Ants all the time? Do you want Ants in your pants? Hey, I like that… I really do. Ants in your pants! It’s got all sorts of connotations…. he’s a pickpocket, he’s a paedophile…. he’s a pickpocketing pedo! I think I’m on a winner here.
“Sco-Mo! You are a marketing genius!
“Shit, is that the time? I’ll have to go or I’ll be late for Hillsong!”