BRISBANE: The Queensland Government is expected to save thousands of dollars on toilet paper in all ministerial offices over coming months after the entire cabinet was scared shitless by The Courier-Mail’s gloat that a repeat of last Saturday’s election results would wipe out her state government in 18 months’ time.
“The stench around the 1 William Street is unbearable right now,” a government insider told The Bug.
“I can tell you none of the ministers will be taking another bog any time soon.
“A lot of their senior staff as well, come to think of it.”
The Bug understands that the explosive bouts of diarrhoea across all ministerial offices throughout the city began almost immediately after the Courier’s front-page story on Wednesday (pictured right) announced that the Palaszczuk government would be turfed from office if the way votes panned out at last Saturday’s federal election were replicated in the Sunshine State next year.
The Premier, wearing double-strength kimbies just in case although the government medical officer said they were probably not needed, flew immediately to the central Queensland coalfields yesterday and demanded that the Adani project be finalised – experts say that was clear code for ticked off on – by week’s end.
Even this morning, the Premier was still deep in an opencut mine in the Galilee Basin kissing the coalface for photo opportunities with local print and electronic media, while back in Brisbane, a red-faced Deputy Premier Jackie Trad was trying the explain why the state government had spent months demanding that federal environmental approval processes must be allowed to proceed unburdened by any government interference.
And The Bug understands the state’s minister for natural resources, mines and energy, Anthony Lynham has ordered rangers to central Queensland to kill “any finch they find regardless of what fucking colour it is”.
The Bug understands the Premier and Deputy Premier will both be back in Brisbane late this afternoon for crisis talks with Clive Palmer, where they hope to extract from the mining magnate a promise not to run an anti-Labor campaign at the 2020 state election, in return for the fast-tracking of his own Galilee Basin coal holdings, railway lines wherever he needs them and unlimited water for life.
Mr Palmer is expected to leave the meeting also without the need for toilet paper for the foreseeable future.