New festival a ScoMo snowjob

MARKETING:

A group of struggling NSW hamlets hopes to boost much-needed tourism numbers with a new annual event that honours one of Australia’s true national heroes.

The ScoMo in the Snow Festival is the brainchild of community leaders in rural Jindabyne, Cooma and Berridale in the Snowy Mountains and the nearby snowfield resorts of Perisher Blue, Charlotte’s Pass, Thredbo and Selwyn.

All are expected to benefit with tens of thousands of visitors to the first ScoMo-in-the Snow Festival on the Queen’s birthday weekend of June 8-10.

“Has there ever been an Australian that has captured a nation’s heart more than the Messiah of the Shire, the Miracle Worker, the man of the moment, our Prime Minister Scott Morrison?” said Jindabyne mayor Hope T’thawslate.

“He really is Ned Kelly, the jumbuck-stealing swaggie, and Peter Foster all rolled into one,” she said.

“Our town councils and resort chiefs met last night and the festival idea just came up as the perfect way to honour the great man and at the same time get our local snowfields economy moving again.

“Our entire existence up here is based on lies. When the fields first had a good covering of snow for the year; how infrequently we’ve had to use our snow-making machines; what a great depth that snow is during the season; how it’s lasting well past the normal season’s end.

“There won’t be any natural snow here on the Queen’s birthday weekend so the whole festival is based on a complete lie from the get-go.

“And because we know the value of a good lie up here, could there be a better annual celebration of  Mr Morrison’s amazing against-all-odds election victory and his entire campaign strategy? Wasn’t he just amazing?

“Has anyone ever lied so fluently and as well? We are, after all, a land of convicts and scallywags and we here on the mountain can certainly sense – indeed almost feel – the outpouring of love throughout the nation for Mr Morrison.”

Ms T’thawslate said she was confident the festival would one day match or even surpass the Elvis Presley event in Parkes or the Priscilla Queen of the Desert celebrations in Broken Hill.

“Down at Central Station in Sydney on Friday and Saturday June 8 and 9 expect to see hundreds and hundreds of fake ScoMos boarding the special trains to here. Many will be formally dressed, their left hand palm raised skywards, talking freely in tongues; others will be in their Sharks jerseys, skolling beers and doing rolly-polly, daggy-dad celebration dances every time Paul Gallen berates the referees.

“Those images alone will cement our festival in the public mind for years to come.

“And of course the train goes nowhere near the snowfields. Another lie! What a hoot, eh? Hoot? Maybe we can use steam trains?” she said.

With the federal government committed to doing bugger-all on climate change, festival organisers hope it will morph from just a long weekend event to a running six-monthly celebration in memory of all of Australia’s snowfields as the world warms over coming years.

Highlights of the inaugural ScoMo-in-the-Snow Festival will include:

Scooter racing between the main snowfields, with both adult and kids’ divisions.

A Scott Morrison mimicry competition in which contestants have to give a five-minute speech pretending to be the PM in which they must use “if you have a go you’ll get a go”and “the promise of Australia is my promise to you” but which must also include at least four new inane and meaningless slogans of their own.

A special endurance competition in which contestants start off by saying “How good is….” and then proceed to recite non-stop a list of characteristics about the nation and its people with the winner being the last one to stop speaking or the last one still visibly conscious.

Wandering “Bill Shorten” actors that children can attack while screaming “You lie, Bill, that’s all you ever do”, “You’re shifty and slimy, Bill!”, “Keep your hands out of our pockets, you dirty peado!” and “That’ll teach you to take actual policies to the people, you stupid cunt!” while hitting them with snowballs made out of artificial snow.

Bald-faced lying competitions in Jindabyne community hall and snowfield pavilions for the inaugural Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire festival championship trophy

       Best smirk, and

Best ScoMo Snowman prizes also for the kids, with the snowmen once again made from artificial snow.

Ms T’thawslate said there would also be competitions for talking in tongues, laying-on-of -hands healing displays, and roving Morrison Dancers.