May Day! May Day! May Day!

There’ll be no need for an emergency call this month as long as everybody takes heed of what The Bug’s famed soothsayer has in store for them. Here’s what May will bring. So GET UP! STEP OUT! Kisma will keep you safe.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

When you hear that Les Murray, Australia’s greatest poet, has died you suggest to your office mates that you should all mark his passing by reciting his best-known work, but once everyone stands at their desks they all look at you for a lead but you just stare back blankly until everyone sits down and continues their work and never mentions it again.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

As a part-time and previously long-term unemployed hospitality industry worker who recently lost your penalty rates, you support George Clooney’s call for a boycott of hotels owned by the Sultan of Brunei as a protest against his kingdom’s homophobic Sharia laws and vow that if you can ever afford to take a holiday, and can ever afford to go overseas, and if you think you can ever afford to visit London, you – like George – will definitely avoid staying at the $3,500-a-night Dorchester Hotel.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

Your local librarian stares at you blankly when you ask if recently departed poet Len Murray wrote “Oh, pointy bird, Oh pointy pointy. Anoint thy wing. Anointy Nointy” and if so, could you have a copy.

LEO
July 23 – August 22

Although this year’s planned 15-city “No Filter” tour of the US  by the Rolling Stones had to be postponed because Mick Jagger needed medical treatment, you are overjoyed to learn you have secured a role in their entourage when the tour finally takes to the road but become slightly less joyful once you learn you’ll be the band’s incontinence pad wrangler.

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a darkened street near your home armed only with a 2kg hardwood axe handle, you encounter the person who introduced Rowan Dean’s parents to each other.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

After watching TV snippets of Tony Abbott’s campaign debate in Warringah with Zali Steggall, you decide you simply must take him in live and scour the internet for his upcoming stand-up comedy dates and venues.

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

A friend casually mentions on their own Facebook page that you have never opened or used any type of social media account and within minutes you are deluged with phone calls from all political parties guaranteeing you a spot at the next election as one of their candidates.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

While you’ve always considered yourself a proud Australian, the passing of Les Murray made you realise you’d have trouble naming, let alone recognising, any one of his better-known works of pottery.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You feel a little sorry for Victorians when you learn that from later this year, they will have exclusive access to the perfectly pronounced and articulated brilliance on any topic whatsoever from Virginia Trioli.

AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

Stressed out over recent days over pressing work and family issues, you finally catch up on some much-needed sleep time by taking in a screening of Gloria Bell.

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

As someone who has always “voted early and voted often” on election day, you ponder whether you might need to space out your visits to polling booths now that there’s still almost two weeks of pre-polling available.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19

With Virginia Trioli leaving ABC News Breakfast later this year, you wonder who the national broadcaster will select to put up with Michael Rowland’s awful puns for three hours five days a week.