PM shits all over Shorten in second clash: specialist
One of Australia’s leading protologists has awarded tonight’s SkyNews Australia debate to Prime Minister Scott Morrison, the Channel 9 network is reporting.
Hours before the Sky News/Courier Mail “people’s debate” is set to take place in Brisbane, Professor Iva Brownfinger predicted in an exclusive interview with Channel 9 that a “calm and collected” PM would easily account for a “nervous and uncertain” Opposition Leader Bill Shorten.
The professor’s comments might come under some scrutiny for being a little premature if nothing else, given the 9 Network took some time to uncover a body-language expert prepared to award the first leaders’ debate in Perth on Monday to Mr Morrison.
Prof. Brownfinger, who lectures at the Queensland School of Medicine and who has consultancy rooms on Wickham Terrace, announced her findings after forensic examination of recent bowel movements from both men.
“Clearly a lot can be learnt about a person’s general health from looking at a recent stool – they’ve got to be fresh – but to the experienced eye, nose and touch of a trained professional such as myself, much can also be gleaned about a person’s state of mind, their general disposition and confidence,” Prof. Brownfinger said in her analalysis.
“Mr Morrison’s stool sample showed clear signs of a man who knows what he wants, is confident about where he’s going and how to get there,” Prof Brownfinger said. “It was also quite devout.
“Sadly Mr Shorten’s stool had all the telltake signs of coming from someone who perhaps knows his life’s dream is starting to fall apart. It was also a bit runny and just a little whiffy.”
“I expect Mr Morrison to wipe both the floor and his arse with Mr Shorten tonight.”
It is not known how Prof. Brownfinger got hold of the stool specimens from both men.
But another leading proctologist slammed Prof. Brownfinger’s prognosis.
Doctor Percy Pokeman from the Prince Charles Hospital in north Brisbane said the only thing anyone could glean from an examination of both men’s stool samples was that “both were highly likely to talk a whole heap of shit tonight.”
Dr Pokeman had been the 13th proctologist contacted by the Nine Network before it finally selected Prof. Brownfinger for her probing analalysis.
Meanwhile, Renee Viellaris, Des Houghton, Steve Wardill and Peter Gleeson were among 123 News Corp journalists from around Australia who have agreed wholeheartedly with Prof Brownfinger’s assessment.
They were busy finishing off their post-debate stories and columns to that effect as this Bug exclusive was being posted onsite.
Network confident of appeal chances
Justice Andrew Bolt (pictured) has entered the debate over media ethics and the treatment of Steve Dickson, former One Nation state leader and Senate candidate for Queensland who quit after the screening of video showing his sleazy activities in a New York strip club.
In a judgement handed down this week Justice Bolt, the Chief Justice of the News Corp Court, found the Al Jazeera TV network had previously promoted only one side of the story about the visit to the US by Mr Dickson and fellow One Nation official James Ashby and their meetings seeking funding from the National Trifle Association to help overturn Australia’s strict gun laws.
Justice Bolt’s latest ruling also said it was unethical and wrong for a media outlet to deliberately target a single political party with the intention of damaging its election prospects.
A spokesperson for Al Jazeera said it was likely the network would appeal Justice Bolt’s findings.
“We believe we have a rock solid case to overturn his rulings, the spokesperson said.
“We will be appealing the decision on two arguments based on the well-established legal principles encompassed by the original Latin terms barefacus hypocrisi and potcalling thekettle blackus.”