May masterstroke solves Brexit

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The United Kingdom can now Brexit on time, thanks to a political masterstroke by Prime Minister Theresa May in the House of Commons early this morning Australian time.

The major sticking point to the UK exiting the European Union on March 29 – the so-called Irish backstop – has suddenly become irrelevant with Mrs May’s shock solution that brought raucous cheers from her side of the House and left Jeremy Corbyn and the opposition Labour Party sidelined and largely silent.

In legislation introduced by Mrs May, Northern Ireland will be dug free from the rest of Ireland and towed north to create “a suitable distance that protects United Kingdom sovereignty and yet satisfies our very good friends in Europe”.

“You can’t get a softer border than water,” she croaked to cheers from the government benches behind her.

Time lapsed for the legislation to be voted on last night but it is expected to be passed into law tonight Australian time.

Prime Minister May (picture above arriving at Downing Street) said huge earthmoving equipment and monster backhoes were on standby and would begin to work their way along the Irish border to separate the six counties of Northern Ireland from the Irish Republic.

Once Ulster was cut free, giant seagoing tugs would pull it further into the Irish Sea until Belfast was roughly directly due west of the Mull of Kintyre.

A civil engineering expert spoke very courteously as she told The Bug this morning that cutting away and moving Northern Ireland was “very, very feasible”.

“When the border was first established in the early 1920s, all the top pasture lands were on the Ulster side and immediately south of the border was shitty peat and bog country,” Chey Gorden-Grey said.

“Cutting through that crap country should be no trouble at all.

“Some of the Giant’s Causeway might get damaged in the tow north but there should be enough of it left to preserve its value as a tourist attraction.”

Mrs May is expected to tell the Commons tonight that the entire project will cost upward of UK£154 billion “but will create thousands of jobs for decent, hard-working Britons”.

This expense is expected to be politically palatable, especially to residents in England’s north who almost three years ago were largely responsible for getting the Leave vote over the line.

Many of these people will easily accept the argument that £154 billion is only about half of what Great Britain gives annually to the European Union for practically no return at all, apart from telling Britons who saved Europe from the Nazis how they should live their lives.

One regular at a Manchester city pub summed up the generally positive response to Mrs May’s bold plan: “All we want to see is our country back to the way it used to be,” he said between sips of his Boddington’s pint as he perved over his glass at the big-titted Polish girls beavering away behind the bar.