In a previous One-Eyed column, I might have inadvertently mentioned my belief that the daggy arse-end of a flyblown sheep would have more Christianity to it than our current Prime Minister Scott Morrison possesses in his entire body.
After deep consideration of correspondence from some readers who counselled that my words may have been a tad extreme, I accept unconditionally that such a statement was patently and obviously false and I hereby apologise unconditionally to the flyblown daggy sheep of Australia and I fully regret any hurt or discomfort suffered by them through my poorly chosen words.
And by that, I mean any suffering above and beyond that already being caused by thousands of fly maggots chewing away on their shit-smeared, seeping and infected backsides.
I accept now that no sheep , flyblown or otherwise, has the mental capacity to form religious beliefs of any kind, so to argue that it could possess more Christian faith and spiritual virtue than a proud and practising member of the Pentecostal faith – and a human practitioner at that – is simply ludicrous and absurd. And if a sheep’s brain can’t do that, what chance has its daggy, flyblown arse-end? None whatsoever, and I unconditionally acknowledge that now.
So while it is now perfectly clear to me that the daggy arse-end of a fly blown sheep and Scott John Morrison undoubtedly share an equal amount of Christian belief, my earlier hurtful words are still out there and I once again apologise unconditionally for them. I hope ewes can all forgive me.
That unconditional apology is also extended to Prime Minister Morrison, who may have the morals of an alley cat, the inherent cunning of a shithouse rat and be as dumb as batshit but who I now accept and acknowledge can simply not be inferior, in terms of the formation of spiritual belief and commitment, to any ovine, or for that matter any other domesticated animal.
Anyway, now that’s out of the way, what ruthless depths of desperate deception will our ruthless, cunning, patently stupid and ethics-free accidental prime minister plumb to try to hold power at the looming election?
How many leaky refugee boats will he need to allow through so they come spluttering into view in time for polling day?
How long will the tow lines need to be so we don’t see the Operation Sovereign Borders vessels dragging them here?
How many rapists, murderers and paedophiles will Morrison need to cram into those Christmas Island cells to give him any hope of clawback by voting day? Even if we find out post-poll they were all unpaid Liberal interns learning the art of political campaigning?
Will Morrison risk using the same dodgy photos from October 2001 when Howard ministers wrongly claimed that seafaring asylum seekers had deliberately thrown children overboard in a desperate attempt to come to Australia, to turn the election narrative back onto border protection?
Or will Morrison use fresh, slightly blurred close-up photos of kids in water that turn out post-election to be children who have accidentally fallen out of the swan boats on a water merry-go-round of country shows over years past? Can we once again rely on Virginia Trioli to call the photos out as fakes?
These are just some of the fair and reasonable questions raised by another dreadful #newspoll overnight for the LNP. Beneath the headline 54-46 2PP lead to Labor is the primary Tory vote of 36 per cent – more than six per cent below that achieved at the July 2016 election.
As each new day ticks and tocks past, does anyone seriously believe that a desperate yet cunning person such as Scott Morrison won’t try any or all of the stunts mentioned above to significantly narrow that deficit and somehow hold on to power?
They’ll all be perfectly acceptable tactics to a politician with exactly the same level of Christianity in him as the daggy arse-end of a flyblown sheep, a dairy calf’s scours, a much-loved pet cat’s furball or the stinking pile of vomit regurgitated by the family dog moments after scoffing a jumbo tin of Pal far too quickly.