For those who don’t get out of bed until they know what The Bug’s famed soothsayer has in store for them, here’s what March will bring. So GET UP! GET OUT! Kisma will keep you safe.
February 19 – March 20
Your heart goes out to Christopher Pyne as you fret as to how a 51-year-old man who’s spent half his lifetime – a quarter of a century – in politics is going to keep his mind active and his family fed on a paltry $230,000 annual pension, with only that and his current cash-in-hand, share portfolio, only so many investment properties negatively geared and a future income restricted by whatever company directorships and the governorship of South Australia that might come his way in the years of struggle that lie ahead. Such is your concern that you wonder if there’s a Pyne Family Relief Appeal fund you can donate to.
March 21 – April 19
You are still weighing up the possibility of changing your surname to Ingham’s and running in the Sydney seat of Warringah to give voters thinking of supporting an independent candidate there a clear choice at the May federal poll.
April 20 – May 20
Struck down by a sudden wave of nausea, you vomit in a corner of a your local art gallery and turn around red-faced with embarrassment only to find that you’ve been roped off and other gallery visitors have gathered with their cameras and phones to admire the gallery’s latest installation. Some are even applauding.
May 21 – June 20
You remain surprised that Georgina Downer hasn’t already presented a giant novelty cheque to a community organisation in Christopher Pyne’s seat of Sturt before announcing that while she had remained extremely confident of winning nearby Mayo at the looming federal election, Sturt was a natural choice for her as the Downer family had strong links in the electorate since colonisation and were largely responsible for its current vibrancy, wealth and cosmopolitan verve.
June 21 – July 22
You don’t hold out much hope for a successful appeal by George Pell over his pedophilia convictions after viewing historic TV footage of the now disgraced cardinal in happier times brazenly kissing Pope Francis’s ring in broad daylight in front of dozens of onlookers.
July 23 – August 22
Your furious disappointment when you finally get around to watching the best-picture Oscar winner Green Book turns to such white-hot anger over being conned by all the hype over such an overrated heap of shit that you slash the seats, a decision you immediately regret seeing you’re watching it at home on Blueray.
August 23 – September 22
It’s when you are watching Prime Minister Scott Morrison saying he’s not the least bit concerned by all his senior ministerial resignations and that their departures have presented the perfect opportunity to “refreshen my line-up” for the looming election that “shuffling the deck chairs on the Titantic” doesn’t really cut it any more as a metaphor for disaster and something new is needed in the 21st Century.
September 23 – October 22
Listening to the radio news you ponder the fact that the departure from politics of Gold Coast Liberal Party MP Steve Ciobo has at least one positive – you now finally know how to pronounce his name.
October 23 – November 21
Appalled by the almost empty shelves and depleted dairy and meat sections at your local supermarket (and it’s not even Sunday arvo!), you ponder the reason before remembering that Peter Dutton had warned mid-week of exactly that scenario because of all those refugees from Manus Island and Nauru being let into Australia by “Shorten’s law”.
November 22 – December 21
Appalled by the lack of parking at your local mega shopping centre and as you walk towards it from the only space you could find a kilometre-and-a-half away, you ponder the reason before remembering that Peter Dutton had warned mid-week of exactly that scenario because of all those refugees from Manus Island and Nauru being let into Australia by “Shorten’s law”.
December 22 – January 19
Confronted by your three distressed and crying children when you find your local 12-screen cinemaplex is only showing films in foreign languages – mainly Middle-Eastern – you ponder the reason before remembering that Peter Dutton had warned mid-week of exactly that scenario because of all those refugees from Manus Island and Nauru being let into Australia by “Shorten’s law”.
January 20 – February 18
Confronted by the fact that your late-model family car’s fuel consumption has deteriorated markedly in recent days, you ponder the reason for this before remembering that Peter Dutton had warned mid-week of exactly that scenario because of all those refugees from Manus Island and Nauru being let into Australia by “Shorten’s law”.