A COMMUNITY SERVICE FROM THE BUG:
Would you want a psephologist living secretly in your street?
Of course you wouldn’t. Especially if you had young children. That’d be like have a retired Catholic priest across the street.
You naturally want them to at least be on a national register made freely available to the public. And if a convicted psephologist moved into your neighbourhood, every resident should be notified by certified mail, right? Of course they should be. Just ask Derryn Hinch. With photos of the “pseph” plastered on every lamppost and in shop windows.
Especially once you find out that a psephologist is someone with a completely irrational and rather disturbing interest in that branch of political science which deals with the study and scientific analysis of elections. Sends a shudder down your spine, doesn’t it?
These psephologists shamelessly uses historical precinct voting data, public opinion polls, campaign finance information and similar statistical data to predict – some would say “groom” – outcomes or dissect them afterwards to make future “grooming” even more successful. Is your flesh crawling, too?
Even someone as aware and intelligent as the current Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg wasn’t immune in his younger years from falling into the “grooming” net of a notorious psephologist (pictured).
That’s the last time you’ll be letting Jorden or Krystelle out and about by themselves , if you now a “pseph” is loitering about! Fair enough too. But is a register enough?
The Bug argues that all of the nation’s “psephs” need to be classified, so that Australian residents can protect their families properly. A grading, if you like, to give some indication of the likelihood that your child could be psephologised by one of these monsters!
The Bug does not disclose the following with any pride whatsoever but admits it has among its staff a chap who claims to be one of our nation’s top amateur psephologists. A very crooked “Amateur Psephologist” shingle hangs off his reporting cubicle. We accept his claim that he’s too old to be a danger to any community – and some of his alleged election predictions go way, way back – but that hasn’t stopped him from still fiddling with poll data and trying to bend the results to his will.
It was he in fact who suggested the need for a classification for he and his fellow travellers. You’ve got to at least give him credit for being aware of his sickness. It appears he’s confident that such testing will show he’s a very poor psephologist and should never be taken too seriously.
We at The Bug are fed up with inaction on a problem that has infected our body politic for far too long.
Even the importing into Australia of the twisted concept of “swinging voters” in the downright deviant 1960s wasn’t tackled when it first raised its ugly head after originating among UK psephs who even built special contraptions to satisfy their sick desires (pictured).
It is therefore with some pride that The Bug presents the MAP scheme – Monitoring Australia’s Psephologists.
It will be a voluntary scheme at this stage but in the interests of strong and safe Australian communities, we’re calling on all the nation’s psephologists – professional, amateur, out in the open or still operating in some darkened room with an old laptop – to come slithering forward and complete a screening process to determine the extent of their illness. Only then can medical and psychiatric professions offer remedial programs, as well as ensuring the MAP national public psephologist register is as accurate as humanly possible.
Our resident psephologist told us shamefacedly: “One of the problems is that a lot of psephologists spend too much of their time picking through the entrails of polls as they are published. We get no real idea about the extent of their sickness because they rarely predict these poll outcomes. That is the real test of how sick we … I mean these bastards really are!”
So The Bug issues this challenge to the nation’s shadowy world of “psephs”: Come forward and be classified. Do it for your community if not for yourself.
The test for MAP registration and classification will be based on predicting poll outcomes over the two elections mentioned above. Your final grading as a “pseph” will be made at the end of that process. Obviously, the closer you get to predicting these polls, the sicker you are and the greater the threat you pose. And we’ll be starting with the next two major federal polls due out early next week: Newspoll on Sunday night and Essential on Tuesday morning.
Now, we’re not going to name and shame you! Well, not yet. But we know who you are! And just to make bloody sure we keep the likes of @ghostwhovotes and @pollbludger honest, you must file your two-party-preferred predictions for these polls with this publication before lunchtime Sunday.
To show you how brave our resident “pseph” is, he has already locked in his predictions, even while the pollsters are only half-way through their field work. Makes you wonder just how desperate is he to get the lowest possibly rating on his MAP score so that no-one smashes his windows or vandalised his car!
Here they are: Newspoll 53%/47% (unchanged) to Labor; Essential 54%/46% to Labor, a two-point closing of the gap. Our “pseph” says these are pretty brave calls in the face of ongoing Morrison government chest-thumping over border protection and national security.
So, get to work, psephologists of Australia. Open up about your tawdry and sinister practices. Be brave enough to reveal the level of threat you pose to your local decent, caring, God-fearing communities. And pay the price if need be.
No one made you go down that shameful path of “pseph”! That decision was yours, and yours alone.