Prince Phillip retires, again
LONDON: Buckingham palace has announced that Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh, has decided to cease his part-time job as an Uber driver (pictured).
A palace spokesperson said the decision was not connected to a recent car crash involving the 97-year-old Duke near the Royal Family’s retreat at Sandringham.
“It’s just that His Royal Highness has confided that he has had enough of ferrying around natives, spear throwers, and people with slitty eyes,” the spokesperson said.
No flies on UK Speaker
LONDON: The House of Commons chamber at Westminster will be closed for several days for fumigation following this week’s Brexit debates.
An infestation of blowflies has made the chamber unusable and Speaker John Bercow has called in pest controllers to deal with it.
The blowflies invaded the chamber and made themselves at home almost as soon as Prime Minister Theresa May tabled her Brexit plan (pictured) early in the week as part of the debate that ultimately saw MPs reject the plan.
Alarm at White House
Secret Service agents ordered a lockdown of the White House today after it was feared the building and its grounds were being invaded by a human caravan of the type heading from developing Latin American nations to the USA.
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said President Trump was in the Oval Office in the building’s West Wing when the assumed invasion of the precinct occurred (pictured).
“Secret Service agents rushed to the Oval Office and escorted the President to a secure location,” she snarled at reporters.
“However, after armed Secret Service agents rushed to investigate the queue they called off the lockdown and returned the President to the West Wing.
“It turns out that Acting Chief of Staff to the President, Mick Mulvaney, had instituted a new White House recruitment policy.
“Given the regularity and yuge number of sackings, resignations, and other departures of Presidential staff, Mr Mulvaney thought it would be more efficient to have a queue of people on hand and ready to take jobs as they fell vacant during any given day,” she spat.