Being cut down to size

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EXCLUSIVE TO THE BUG: Australia’s favourite sex expert gives his usual full and frank answers to queries from his male bag.

Dear Doctor Dick
Maybe I’m just the unluckiest man in the world but my last three sexual partners have all made similar comments during our sex sessions: namely how much they miss some former boyfriend, or estranged husband, or life partner who tragically died, whoever, because he had such a large and beautiful penis that gave them so much pleasure. I mean, how is any reasonably, well-adjusted male supposed to deal with that? Now, before you come back at me with some smartarse put-down of the dimensions of my own wedding tackle, can I just assure you that it is perfectly adequate when compared with what I’ve seen in porn films over the years. Sure, it’s not up there in the Johnny “The Wad” Holmes class but it’s not down there in Donald J Trump territory either. How do you think I should have handled my response to these and any similar rather hurtful comments, should the occasion rise again?

Brad B
Anchorage, Alaska

Doctor Dick replies: I’d be surprised anything will ever rise again if your female sex partners keep banging on about some other bloke’s horizontal folkdancing hardware. But, it is true that some women can be rather tactless in the bedroom with their off-the-cuff comments. Despite all my training and expertise, I’m still not sure why they do it. I had one encounter once where this short-term sexual partner virtually got misty-eyed in the cot, talking about some fellow who “had the most beautiful cock you could imagine – everything about it was just perfect. So large. So stiff. A beautiful bold vein. And with an absolutely gorgeous bell-end that you could barely get your mouth around”. So I recommend you come back at these women with the same comment I made at the time: “No wonder I can’t touch the sides!”

Dear Doctor Dick
I had this one-night stand recently where I brought this sheila back to my pad from the local pub. She was a little hottie and looked absolutely stunning as she waited naked on my bed, her legs spread invitingly, her fingers playing with already erect nipples, when I returned from the bathroom. I can assure you I was more than ready for action myself but I had barely made it half-way across the room when she just looked me up and down and said rather distainfully: “Bloody hell…who do you think you’re going to please with that!” Any advice to put things straight?

Frank J
Tempe, Sydney

Doctor Dick replies: Ouch! I don’t think anything’s ever going to be straight again after that comment! And don’t you just hate it when the most obvious of ripostes never forms in your brain when you need it the most. And then a day later you think: “Bloody hell, why didn’t I think of that at the time!” So if you could have your time again – indeed for next time – just casually look over at her and greet her “who do you think you’re going to please with that?” comment with a look of bemusement bordering on indifference with “well, me … obviously”.

Dear Doctor Dick
My partner and I have always used condoms as our method of birth control and I have no idea why she does this but no sooner do we finish having sex and I’ve pulled the condom off then she grabs it and holds in up to the window light, squeezes the contents down to the bubble and waves it back and fourth and pouts: “Don’t you love me any more?” I guess I don’t need to add she’s a bit of a spoiled princess. And while I’m no spring chicken, I’ve always thought the quantity of my emissions are quite reasonable. What to do?

Joe T
Aspley, Brisbane

Doctor Dick replies: Apart from getting a new girlfriend? I don’t suspect you’re ever going to change her strange little routine (sorry) or her expectations that come (sorry) out of that. But I do have one solution (sorry again) that is going to take a little bit of timing and sleight of hand: keep another condom just close to your torso that you’ve half-filled with Clag glue and substitute it for the other one as soon as you pull it off. At least that’s what I …. I mean one of my clients… has used rather effectively over time.