Bolts star’s explosive career

SPORT:

The imminent start of the new international JDG season is the perfect time to profile legends of the game, starting with one man who drove the Brisbane Bolts to four premierships in five years in its heyday and a record 321 arrests. 

bolts dinkusIn this issue we look at Louie “Meat and Two Veg” Wallace, a player who is arguably the game’s all-time greatest and whose name now graces the public waiting area at Brisbane District Courts.

Louise Wallace was born in Perth in 1968 and at state school excelled at Australian rules.

Prohibited by gender rules from continuing the sport at high-school level, Wallace fumed at the injustice of it all until the early 1980s when a welcome call-up came from the Perth Prolapses, one of the first six teams in the inaugural JDG women’s competition.

From the outset, Louise’s average permanent injury rate per quadrile  –  helped by six opponents made quadriplegic and one death when a head slam went horribly right in her first season – put her in the spotlight.

She grabbed the opportunity with both hands when JDG officials promised her a starting position in the Brisbane Bolts if she underwent “gender realignment”.

Brisbane was indeed an attractive option considering the number of AVOs out against her in Perth and much of the state’s south-west.

So she made a quick overseas trip to the Dillip Patel Clinic for Cosmetic and Corrective Surgery in New Delhi where she had her “female bits” removed and the “meat and two veg” attached in a painful five-hour operation, painful mainly because she refused anaesthetic.

But after five hours Louise was no more and, once back in Australia, the new Louie travelled east in a locked cage in the baggage car on the Indian Pacific to begin her – sorry, his – amazingly successful life as a celebrity sportsman of the highest calibre.

However, the start of his shining career with the Brisbane Bolts was delayed by a month when the bandages came off and it was discovered the New Delhi clinic had somehow mistakenly attached a veg and two meats, necessitating her return for a corrective procedure.

With the second operation and excess genitalia behind him, Louie could focus on what he has always done best, inflicting on opposing players immense physical pain, injury, and even death when big match tactics required.

“I’m a professional, so I’ve never taken it personally, just as those I’ve maimed or made permanently bedridden have never held a grudge against me,” Louie once said.

“Nor have the families of those I’ve snuffed on the field. It’s just the way we play the game. They appreciate that.

“When you’re in the fourth stanza, thirteen grilles down, and facing a team with four risen tags in their back pocket, you give it all you’ve got and do what’s needed to win.

“The families of deceased players also appreciate my playing style which is to never let any opposing player needing to be killed to linger in agony or scream for too long – just enough to get the crowd going. After all, it’s the fans who make the sport what it is and pay our salaries.”

Louie soon became a national and international sporting identity and was soon picking up lucrative endorsement contracts, one of which was offered as a result of his gender-realignment treatment.

Some observers have argued that it was the extensive testosterone treatment that made Louie such a lethal force in the opening stanzas of the 1983 JDG season. But it was his ongoing hormone treatment following surgery that also caused a slight body hair problem.

“Yes it was a bit of a problem and I took a while to become accustomed to having far less hair on my torso, limbs, back, and other parts than I had as a woman,” Louie admitted at the time.

“But then an offer was made to me by a US drug company marketing a hair restorer called Forest. They wanted me to be the face of their product Down Under.

“I shot several TV, cinema, and online ads for them showing how much hairier I became after using their product. I didn’t mind doing them nude, even though that wasn’t asked for in the contract.

“I just like showing off my new bits, and when you’ve paid so much for something so big you gotta get your money’s worth.

“The ads even became a bit of a pop culture hit, especially the one focussing on my groin in which I look up to the camera at the end and say ‘Fuck yeah! It’s a Forest down there.’

“I have little kids shout that to me when they see me in the street. It’s so sweet and a lot of fun.”

In an amazing, unsurpassed career with the Brisbane Bolts, Wallace:

  • Single-handedly won the 1998 grand final after his left hand was severed in an offensive lance lunge by a desperate Sydney Septics outfit (someone’s hand from the contest was later successfully reattached);
  • Won worst and unfairest in a close-fought win over the Canberra Colonoscopies in 2000 to cement a threepeat for the Bolts; and
  • Led the Bolts to their fourth JDG title in five years in 2002 when the Bathurst Buttfuckers forfeited the grand final when it had no players left capable of taking the field for the final demolition powerplay.
  • Played in a record 21 Origin of the Species, the annual grudge match between Queensland and NSW-based JDG teams with players allocated to the team of the state in which they were conceived.

Louie’s brilliant career ended in his tragic death when a stun grenade exploded prematurely in what was otherwise a well-rehearsed first-quadrangle assault thrustage in the 2005 grand-final rematch against reigning premiers, the Sydney Sphincters.

The blast would not normally have proven fateful but Wallace was carrying the grenade in his teeth after losing both arms earlier in a spiteful match.