No-show Sco-Mo the poll go

POLITICS:

Buoyed by recent internal polling that shows a modest lift in Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s approval ratings over recent weeks when he’s been seldom seen or heard, federal Liberal Party strategists have mapped out what they believe will be a winning plan for the expected May election.

Codenamed Operation Take No Risks, the strategy will be swung into action the moment the PM travels to Yarralumla to ask Governor-General General Sir His Excellency Peter Cosgrove to dissolve the current government and issue writs for the election.

From there, Mr Morrison will be driven straight to the RAAF Fairbairn base for the 40-minute flight to RAAF Amberley in south-east Queensland. A military helicopter will then take him high atop the Great Dividing Range where, at a secret but inaccessible location deep inside pristine sub-tropical rainforest, he will be tandem-parachuted by an SAS officer into a small clearing close to a large cave, where he will spend the entire campaign.

The cave has reportedly been stocked with all the supplies needed to get Mr Morrison through the campaign, including a Pentecostal bible, a battery-operated DVD player with dozens of DVDs of televised Hillside Church services, and soothing pharmaceutical lotions so he can provide himself with instant relief if needed…. from happy-clap rash.

“It’s a win-win situation,” a senior Liberal campaign strategist told The Bug.

“Clearly the Australian people like the PM more the less they see or hear from him. The polling tells us that.

“But is that enough to get him over the line given current poll trends? Probably not, which is why this plan is doubly clever.  Seeing the PM is not the sharpest tool in the shed, it totally negates any risk of a gaffe or policy blunder by opening his mouth on things he knows bugger-all about. And that’s most things.

“It also deprives the Labor Party of any oxygen that might help them gain momentum on the campaign trail by picking up the stupid and ignorant things the PM would invariably be saying.”

The strategist said the plan was based on the shortest possible campaign – 33 days – after which Mr Morrison would emerge triumphantly from his cave and return to Canberra for his swearing-in.

Similar caves are being sought for other Morrison government ministers who have track records of being under-performers on the hustings or who have had difficulty in recent times selling the government’s legislative achievements.

“We need about 27 all up,” the strategist said.

“We’re looking for the deepest cave possible for Peter Dutton and the cave we have in mind for Michaella Cash is in the Mariana Trench.

“We’ve even got contingency plans for non-ministerial MPs like Tony Abbott and Eric Abetz and we’ll probably have to fly them to the Tham Luang Nang Non cave in Thailand.

“Whether we later bring in the crack Australian and UK cave diving rescue specialists will depend on the election outcome.”