Princess Di promises sales boom

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Australian retailers are set to unveil a new annual “sales” day around which they plan to build merchandising opportunities to boost their bottom lines.

The Australian Retailers’ Association director of marketing, Sel Moore, told The Bug the sector had for decades sought to add more landmark sales days to its annual calendar.

“Retailers have always done a roaring trade in the lead-up to traditional events like Valentine’s Day in February, Easter in March or April, Mother’s Day in May, Father’s Day in September, and of course November and December for Christmas,” Mr Moore said.

“In recent years we’ve even bumped up our efforts around Halloween in October, selling vast volumes of crappy, plastic tat that we can flog to punters after being marked up at rates that would make your nose bleed.

“Of course Halloween also comes with built-in ‘pester power’ with kids nagging their parents to buy all this non-biodegradable plastic shit from us and now having to buy plastic bags at the checkout to carry it home.

“Every single item is guaranteed to fall to bits well before Christmas and heads to landfill so this lucrative process can start all over again the following year. It’s a text book retail event.

“Oh, that reminds me. We also make a killing from back-to-school ‘sales’ in January where nothing is really discounted, but we display heavily marked-up prices in bright neon colours on big bits of cardboard to give the impression they are.”

Mr Moore said the Association was planning to roll out a new sales day on 31 August this year.

“That’s the day Princess Diana died in that car crash in Paris along with her boyfriend,” he explained.

1000903_05_fasian_003 (1)“We see great marketing and merchandising opportunities in our new Di and Dodi Died Day and I just know it will become a permanent fixture on the retail calendar.

“I know some retailers have already  started developing products, including toys for children and collectors such as the legless Henri Paul action figure and a jigsaw showing the Queen and Prince Phillip when they heard the tragic news (pictured).

“Others are developing items such as a set of 24 remote-controlled model cars featuring before and after reproductions of Dodi’s Mercedes-Benz, 22 paparazzi cars and motorbikes, and a scale model of the fateful Paris tunnel.jigsaw

“It’s fantastic. I’ve actually tested that one and you can’t drive the Merc through the model tunnel without hitting a support post.

“I understand one enterprising importer is even seeking to bring into Australia from the USA specially badged Princess Diana land mines (main picture above) for sale in time for 31 August.

“There are even bigger opportunities in high-end fashion given what a style icon Diana was to millions around the world including to many women.

“Frocks and other sweat-shop debris retailers put on their racks are already marked up by around 1000 to 2000 per cent, so who knows how high the margin can go once a dead princess’s name is attached to it. The sky’s the limit,” Mr Moore said.