Former Brisbane Bolts star centre-gouger Ralph “The Groper” Wanger is making a comeback via the JDG’s global expansion plans.
Wanger (main picture) left the Bolts under acrimonious circumstances in October last year saying he “couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the game any more”.
“I’d rather breaststroke through dog diarrhoea with my mouth open than play again. As for the fans, all those brain-dead morons can go fuck themselves,” he said at a live news conference at the time, later claiming he had been taken out of context.
However, this week Wanger announced he would be playing with the fledgling British team, the Manchester Maggots. The Maggots started in 2017 as part of an ambitious plan by the JDG to expand the game onto the international stage.
The plan was the brainchild of former JDG chairman, the late Vincent “Price” Check (pictured), who also drove the creation of the Calcutta Curries, Seattle Scrotums, and Nagasaki Nukes.
JDG officials were tightlipped when asked to comment on Wanger’s announcement.
“It’s entirely a matter for him and the Queensland parole authorities,” a spokesperson told The Bug.
Wanger’s statement outlining his signing to Manchester paid tribute to Vincent Check and his international expansion plans for the JDG.
“Vince’s death in 2017 robbed the game of a true visionary,” the statement said. “We were very much alike. Just like me, he faced his fair share of critics. But his dream lives on and I want to help make it come true.”
Mr Check, who had been JDG chairman for only two years, suffered a massive heart attack after falling from a horse in a hotel room in Amsterdam’s red light district while on a business trip to Tokyo.
Wanger’s time at the Bolts ended in October last year after several sensational disagreements with JDG officials who alleged he had brought the game into disrepute.
After losing to the Ulladulla Urethras in February 2018, Wanger was charged with grievous bodily harm after setting fire to the Urethras’ on-field mascot, Bertie Bladder.
Bertie, coincidentally played by Ulladulla resident, 76-year-old Bertram Bladderski, remains in hospital with severe burns to what was already his withered and near-dead body.
In June last year Wanger faced assault charges after allegedly coward-punching a quadriplegic fan of the Darwin Disableds after the Bolts lost a charity match by failing to score against the fifth-division team.
Wanger successfully defended the charge using a law unique to the Northern Territory to plead he had been severely intoxicated at the time – a claim supported by all other Bolts players.
In August last year Wanger was arrested in the middle of a match against the Katoomba Kerfuffles and faced 23 hit-and-run charges after allegedly driving the on-field ambulance into a section of the crowd packed with Kerfuffle fans.
Wanger was confronted with a mountain of evidence against him, including live television footage of the incident and a record 13,457 statutory declarations – seven from all justices of the High Court of Australia who were guests of the Katoomba club on the day.
Wanger’s defence team, led by colourful Sydney racing, property development and legal identity Dicky Shearman, successfully applied to have the charges dropped, pleading the presence of the High Court judges removed any right to a fair trial given Wanger’s intention to exhaust all avenues of appeal if convicted.
Bolts coach, Jack Saunders, dismissed the allegations against Wanger.
“It’s just a bit of hi-jinks – just some good natured horseplay,” Saunders said at the time.
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