In its last VoxPop of the year, The Bug wasted no expense getting out among the flotsam and jetsam of Australian society to ask very average people to rate 2018 out of five and to provide a quick, sharp explanation for that rating.
Talbot McCollum: 60, retired, c/- Harbourside Mansion, Sydney
“Zero. Zilch. Nada. How else could you rate a year where Australia lost that handsome, charismatic and erudite leader in Malcolm Turnbull. There is no doubt in my mind that he would have led the Coalition to a resounding win in early 2019 and could have remained a much-loved, nay, revered PM, for as long as he wanted if he had not fallen foul of a moment of complete madness on the part of right-wing extremists in my… his party room.”
Duncan Peters: 41, retired police officer, Strathpine Qld
“2.5. Some things just didn’t add up quite right for me as far as 2018 was concerned. It was one of those years when I thought I had all my ducks lined up in a row but it turned out my numbers man was shooting blanks.”
Morris Scotson: 55, salesman, Cronulla, Sydney.
“Five, to be fair dinkum. Roma harma sofa lofa catcha cama tosa tera tosa nosa catcha nosa semi cosa Bill Shorten ooh cootchi coo itti bitti yellow poka dot bikini Bill Shorten na nah na naaahh na i am the real thing na na naaa na naaaah wham bam thank you mam Bill Shorten.”
Mrs Peta Dutton: 41, housewife, Strathpine Qld
“Out of five? Just a sec. (Rings unknown person on mobile phone, talks briefly, then ends call.) Yeah, Mathias still reckons 48 at least.”
Unknown: who knows, who cares, where?
Countess Downer of Mayo: how dare you, none of your business, away with you peasant
“I would rate 2018 as a four because that’s how many votes I received when I stood against that ghastly woman with her radical ideas of ‘serving the people’. Goodness, everyone knows it’s the other way around.”
Barnaby Joyce: 51, something in the government, Tamworth
“Mate, leave me alone. I want my privacy. I can email you my score and those comments if you like. By the way can you take the pic of my good side? And don’t ask the kid anything. He’s signed to Channel 7.”
Julie B. iShop: 62, superannuated model, Perth
“Well I’m a size four, so that will do.”