Looking forward to a packed 12 months

EXCLUSIVE:

In this exclusive report The Bug’s famed soothsayer Kisma Aryias takes a look ahead to 2019 and lets readers know what’s in store.

JANUARY:

After coming under increasing pressure from a range of political challenges Donald Trump makes good on a previous claim and during a visit to New York stands in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoots somebody dead. In the aftermath all reliable opinion polls show his voter approval ratings increasing to a point where he would be unassailable in his bid for re-election in 2020.

Channel 9 cops enormous flak after terminating its coverage of the Australian Open after the conclusion of the first-round match it broadcast, with station executives not realising the tournament has another two weeks to run.

Nine Entertainment Co. announces masthead name changes for its three major newspapers, which will now be known as The Sydney Morning Nine, The Ageless Nine (Melbourne) and their national business and finance paper, Nine Financial Review. Later that same afternoon, Nine Entertainment Co. announces it has axed the Monday to Friday editions of The Sydney Morning Nine and The Ageless Nine, citing declining advertising revenues. Editorial staff at both papers is slashed by half, putting nine journalists out of work.

FEBRUARY:

Former Roman Catholic Cardinal George Pell does something about a matter that happened which led to something else occurring. When asked for comment he quoted the book of John 7:4: “No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world.”

Newspoll shows Bill Shorten leading Scott Morrison as preferred PM for the first time, after the Opposition Leader had his facial moles removed and underwent breast-reduction surgery to avoid those embarrassing jogging shots on the hustings.

MARCH:

British Prime Minister Theresa May calls another Brexit referendum which delivers 19,410,742 votes in favour of leaving the European Union and 19,410,742 in favour of remaining. Boris Johnson, who has campaigned vigorously for both the Remain and Brexit camps, calls on March to resign in May and no-one pays him any attention.

APRIL:

Prime Minister Scott Morrison calls an election for May, saying he wants a positive campaign  focussed on policies, not personalities or personal beliefs, and unveils the Liberal Party’s campaign slogan: “Bill Shorten is Satan.”

Anthony Mundine calls for a rematch after being knocked out during the ringside announcer’s introductions to his much anticipated, multi-million-dollar return bout with Jeff Horn at the Mackay RSL in Queensland’s north.

MAY:

Scott Morrison leads the Coalition to a landslide election defeat, losing dozens of seats including his own. During his concession speech he begins speaking in tongues and, until walked off the stage by his wife, endlessly repeats a phrase which his staffers later advise translates to: “Liberal voters, where the bloody hell were you?”

Bill Shorten is seriously injured and left in a coma after falling out of a car while heading to Government House in Canberra to be sworn in as Australia’s new Prime Minister.  The car’s driver and only other occupant, Labor frontbencher Anthony Albanese, is sworn in instead as PM even though he claims to be suffering amnesia from the crash while showing no visible signs of injury.

At a news conference Peter Dutton, standing next to his campaign manager and numbers man Senator Mathias Cormann, declares he is a candidate for the leadership of the Liberal Party and therefore federal Opposition Leader. The news conference ends almost as soon as it starts when a reporter points out to Dutton that he had lost his seat at the election the previous Saturday.

JUNE:

Former PM Scott Morrison is hired as marketing manager for depression and suicide prevention charity RUOK but is sacked within a week after revealing he had personally created its new slogan: “How the bloody hell are you?”

Queensland wins the first State of Origin clash at Lang Park, demolishing the Blues 34-4 after Artie Beetson is brought out of interment to lead his mighty Maroons one last time.

JULY:

The cream of Australia’s sports men and women gather for a photo opportunity to mark the 12-month countdown to the Tokyo Olympics and the nation’s solid prospects of scoring its only gold medals in the new planking and Pokemon Go events.

In England, fresh shame is heaped on the Australian cricket team after recalled disgraced opener Cameron Bancroft is captured on TV using a pedal-powered angle grinder at mid-off to tamper with the ball during the third Test at Headingley, Leeds. Fellow recalled disgraced opener David Warner sobs uncontrollably after admitting he put Bancroft up to the task in a desperate attempt to get back into the series with the visitors already down two-nil.

The entertainment industry mourns the loss of much-loved television icon Bert Newton who bravely vows to host the 2019 Logies anyway so he can die on stage one last time.

AUGUST:

Brexit is finally a reality and Great Britain formally leaves the European Union under the deal struck in 2018 by Prime Minister Theresa May. Just days later, and seeking an endorsement of the outcome, May puts her leadership on the line by resigning, declaring she will seek re-election as PM by her Conservative Party MPs, and inviting any challengers to come forward. The only challenger is former foreign secretary Boris Johnson who misses the vote after being stuck in a post-Brexit queue trying to clear French Customs in Paris.

Former disgraced Test captain Steve Smith weeps uncontrollably at a media conference back in Australia when he admits that he had helped Cameron Bancroft oil the chain and flywheel on his portable angle grinder in the visitors’ dressing room at Headingley, not fully aware what Bancroft intended to use it for and admitting he was remiss in not asking about that.

A nation sighs collectively as Treasurer Chris Bowen calls a media conference to announce he has regrettably decided to mount a challenge to Anthony Albanese’s leadership, having come to the conclusion that “Anthony is a kind and decent man leading a good government that has sadly lost his way”.

SEPTEMBER:

Former PM Scott Morrison is hired as marketing manager for a leading dementia charity but is sacked within a week after revealing he had personally created its new slogan: : “Who the bloody hell are you?”

Visiting Hollywood actor Clint Eastwood is left stunned and confused after NRL head honcho Peter Beattie hugs him at Sydney Airport and asks how he feels after being sacked so late in the season as Rabbitohs coach after only a handful of wins.

Cricket Australia announces the end to the Sheffield Shield competition after 117 years, sparking angry calls to CA by the 21 cricket fans who had planned to attend 2019-20 season matches.

OCTOBER:

The 2019 National Rugby League grand final is won by the Keebra Park High School, Gold Coast’s A-grade side after every other club in their division and every club in every division above theirs are ruled out over salary cap breaches.

Through force of habit Newscorp Australia announces record readership levels for September for the hard-copy edition of its national broadsheet The Australian, even though the paper stopped being printed in June and nobody had noticed.

A nation sighs collectively and shakes its weary head as Deputy Prime Minister Tania Plibersek calls a media conference to announce her decision to challenge Prime Minister Chris Bowen for the leadership of the Australian Labor Party, arguing that “Chris is a kind and decent person leading a good government that has sadly lost its way”.

NOVEMBER:

Anthony Mundine calls for a rematch after being knocked out by the closing door as he and Jeff Horn enter the public telephone booth on the corner of Jarrett and Simpson streets in Woodridge, south of Brisbane, for their much anticipated, multi-million dollar rematch sparked by the unfortunate early end to their earlier rematch in Mackay.

DECEMBER:

A nation sighs in total disbelief and collectively ponders emigrating en mass to New Zealand as Penny Wong announces her decision to move to the Lower House to mount an immediate challenge to Prime Minister Tania Plibersek, saying “Tania is a good and decent person leading a good government that has sadly lost its way”.

Tony Abbott calls a media conference to announce he will mount a challenge to Opposition Leader Josh Frydenberg, saying “Josh is a kind and decent man who has sadly lost his way” and then pulls out after being advised such a challenge can’t be mounted by someone outside of Parliament.