Looking forward, looking back

Doctor Dick is out of the country delivering a paper on weeping genital sores at the prestigious International Groin Disorders and Venereal Diseases Conference in sunny Acapulco. In place of his usual column and in light of the imminent start to 2019 we republish some of the end-of-year queries he has previously addressed exclusively in The Bug.

Dear Doctor Dick
I  hope you can help me out on this.  I used to be with this one guy for two years, but we broke up about six months ago. 

With the New Year 2009 imminent I am feeling slightly down that although I haven’t been able to find that “certain someone”, I am finding myself becoming more and more horny. 

Is this normal?  Also, what would be the best thing to do about this situation? Thanks.

Wendy K
Hobart, Tas
via email 31 December 2008

Doctor Dick replies: The game of love is such a hit-and-miss affair. Who knows if the one we are with at any given time in our lives is really the right one for us? Who really knows the whereabouts of that special person who could make our lives complete?

There are no guaranteed methods of finding that “certain someone” as you so sweetly put it.

But when women like you come to me and describe their heartfelt yearning for intimacy and companionship, I always advise them to hit the town and start humping as many men as possible. You’re bound to find him sooner or later.

Dear Dr Dick
I’m 67 and had a kidney transplant this year. I haven’t had a really good erection since.

I want to get back to normal, so to speak, in the coming New Year. Would I gain any benefit from taking Viagra? Any other advice? Thanks.

RR
Perth, WA
Via email 28 December 1998

 Dr Dick replies: No, and no.

Dear Doctor Dick
I am a virgin but want to make a New Year’s resolution to do all I can to change that as soon as possible in 2002. My friends tell me that when you have sex for the first time you don’t last long.

My question is that is there any way to prevent climaxing too early on your first time?

Timothy B
Darwin, NT
Via email 30 December 2001

Dr Dick replies:  The old stand-by of thinking unsexy thoughts usually works. As you are having sex try to imagine some other couple also having sex – the more unlikely the imaginary partners, the better.

Try Australian Prime Minister John Howard and his former UK counterpart Margaret Thatcher. If that doesn’t work try picturing ex-US President Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary.

Dear Doctor Dick
This might sound a little silly but I like to create a little rhyming motto or saying for each New Year to guide me in my sexual life for the year ahead. I think back over the past 12 months and what my partners have thought of my performance in the horizontal folkdancing department and then try to frame my little mental chant or slogan with that in mind.

Running my mental 12 inch ruler – and trust me, Doc, I do mean a full 12inch ruler – over those months, I’ve realised I’ve more than matched expectations in all aspects of love-making – from adventurous and prolonged foreplay to deep and lasting intercourse, culminating in a series of shuddering and intense orgasms that have taken all my lovers to planes of ecstacy they had thought impossible to that moment in their lives.

So, I’ve come to realise that while the quality of my lovemaking during the year now about to pass has been excellent, the quantity has left a bit to be desired. It’s true: despite my prowess as a lothario, I’m rather shy.

So my chant for next year is “Stick it in more in Two Thousand and Four! How’s that for a way to incentivise my sexual resolutions for the year ahead?

Troy
Miami Beach, USA
via email 29 December 2003

Doctor Dick replies: “Stick it in more…”, Troy? You forgot to mention in your email how romantic you can also be while pleasuring the little ladies.

And, yes, it does seem a crying shame, especially for all those willing ladies out there, that your shyness is holding both you and them back from the opportunity for sexual nirvana.

So maybe you could alternate “Stick it in more in Two Thousand and Four” with “It’ll be Pleasure Galore in Two Thousand and Four”. Makes you sound just a little less brutally frank about your carnal desires for the year ahead.

Dear Doctor Dick
This might sound a little silly but I like to create a little rhyming motto or saying for each New Year to guide me in my sexual life for the year ahead….

Doctor Dick replies: Troy from Florida, right?

No, I’m Sharon from Leeds in the United Kingdom…

Doctor Dick: Sorry, Sharon. Start again, please.

Dear Doctor Dick
This might sound a little silly but I like to create a little rhyming motto or saying for each New Year to guide me in my sexual life for the year ahead. I’m now in my mid 60s and I’ve enjoyed a fairly consistent and enjoyable sex life since I was 16.

Nor have I had any real complaints about the men in my life, from the occasional one-night stand to more lasting partnerships of some months,  apart from the bulk of them being British so it would have been nice if they had bathed more than once a week.

No, it’s just that I’ve reached an age when maybe it’s time to settle down with one permanent chap in my life – maybe even consider starting a family. So my little rhyming motto for the New Year is “Find my true mate in Two Thousand and Eight”.

So while this is not really a request for help, I do hope you’ll wish me well in my quest.

Sharon B
Headingley, Leeds
via email 31 December 2007

Doctor Dick replies: That’s wonderful, Sharon. But maybe could I just suggest you have a chat with your GP or family planning clinic about the chances of a successful pregnancy given your circumstances.

It might be more a case of “You’ll never be late in Two Thousand and Eight”.

Dear Doctor Dick
This might sound a little silly but I like to create a little rhyming motto or saying for each New Year to guide me in my sexual life for the year ahead….

Doctor Dick replies: Sharon from Leeds, right?

No, I’m Aaron from Albany in West Australia.

Doctor Dick: Sorry, Aaron. Start again, please.

Dear Doctor Dick
This might sound a little silly but I like to create a little rhyming motto or saying for each New Year to guide me in my sexual life for the year ahead.

But before I do that, should I use “Two thousand and Nineteen” or “Twenty Nineteen”?

Aaron C
Albany, WA
via email 30 December 2018

Doctor Dick replies: I think “Twenty Nineteen” sound a bit more hip and funky, don’t you? But while I have no idea of the direction your chant might be heading in, maybe “Twenty One Nine would be even better still?

“Girls, give me a sign in Twenty One Nine”. Fine. Line. Mine. There’s just some to get you started.