Aussie pollies make their presents known

xmas gift dinkus2The Bug
asked prominent identities both in Australia and overseas what they want Santa to bring them for Christmas 2018. This issue: pollies across Oz make their presents known.

Scott Morrison, Prime Minister of Australia: “At this time of year and indeed at all times I seek only the blessing and good grace and benevolence of the one guiding light and eternal power who rules us all – Newspoll.”

Jenny Morrison, wife of Prime Minister Scott Morrison: “I am easy to buy for, just get me the latest CD by Kevin Bloody Wilson. I love singing along to his original songs. Of course Scott never joins in. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. But then again…. DILLIGAF!”

Julie Bishop, former Foreign Minister and Liberal Party Deputy Leader: “I need a new pair of shoes. Nothing flash, probably some of the cheaper Jimmy Choos for around $2,500 to $3,000. And red, of course, to signify my solidarity with average women.”

Malcolm Turnbull, former Prime Minister of Australia: “I could do with a new pair of Speedos. My balls have swelled enormously since I left office and my trunks no longer fit.”

Tony Abbott, former Prime Minister of Australia: “I could do with a new pair of Speedos. My balls have swelled enormously since Malcolm Turnbull left office and my trunks no longer fit.”

di nataleSenator Richard Di Natale, Leader of The Greens (pictured)“All I want to celebrate the non-sectarian end-of-year holiday period is an agreement for Australia to meet its commitments to the Paris Agreement aimed at keeping the global temperature rise this century below 2 degrees Celsius above pre-industrial levels. I’d be very happy if that were under my carbon-sequestering, sustainable, plantation-grown, secular, celebratory, woody perennial plant.”

Senator Pauline Hanson, Leader of One Nation: “I’ve gone out of my way this year to send Christmas cards, Christmas wishes, Christmas presents, and in some cases even a few tasty Christmas hams to our nation’s Muslim leaders. But do you think I got any thanks back? Typical.”

God’s gift to 21stC Australian politics: “I hope for a quiet and peaceful festive season with few family visitors so that I can continue to devote as much time as possible to undermining the Morrison government from the campaign office of my Point Piper Harbourside mansion.”

Ann Sudmalis and Jane Prentice: “Santa can pass us by as far as we’re concerned. Christmas will hold little joy for us this year. We’ll both be spending the festive season wondering how the fuck Morrison could find the time to save RWNJ Craig Kelly’s political career – and will most likely succumb to similar threats from Jim Molan to be a wrecker if he doesn’t get his way – yet when we lost local party support, we were told to shut up, bend over and take it up the arse.”

Liberal Party federal campaign director: “Perhaps Santa this year might consider a belated Xmas present? Just consider, mind. I think it would be absolutely terrible if Islamic terrorists were to blow up the Story Bridge, the Opera House, Federation Square, MONA, the Adelaide CBD and the new Perth Stadium in early May next year.”